Finally to test his progress, she asked a young voluptuous girl to go and embrace the monk. The girl called upon the monk and without much ado caressed him. The monk immediately ordered the girl away saying he had nothing for her.
The girl returned and related this to the old woman.
"To think I fed that fellow for ten years!" exclaimed the old woman in anger. "He showed no consideration for your need, no disposition to explain your condition. He need not have responded to passion, but at least he could have shown some compassion;"
She at once went to the hut of the monk and burned it down.

This famous Zen story shows how we get trained in looking at other's behaviour from our point of view of right or wrong. The judgment (of behaviour) and not respect (of feelings) becomes the basic operative principle. Its appears to us that, if I show respect to the person then it would construe to agreeing to the behaviour! Hence, we react sharply to the behaviour, lest the child learns otherwise.

But empathy is not about agreeing, its about accepting.

When children misbehave or show unacceptable traits we tend to fire the judgment gun. We label them negatively, reprimand them, and get upset with them. Yet what they actually require is that we try and understand them and show this understanding. The moment the child is understood and therefore his or her feelings are accepted, it changes the mental state which changes the behaviour.

Lets say the child is constantly rocking his chair and making some weird gurgling sound. We may not agree with this behaviour, but we can still respect him as an individual with this own specific feelings. This acceptance relaxes us and makes us better equipped to initiate a change in his mental state which will stop this behaviour.

I have often heard this remark from parents: “But he has been irritating me since morning”. Three thoughts to ponder on:

Firstly, Did at any point of time (specially in the beginning of the behaviour) we tried to understand the child’s feelings? Did we empathise first? Carl Rogers (the famous clinical psychologist) talks about genuineness as a precondition to all empathy. Unless I really FEEL for my child (“is getting bored” or “wants an outlet for his physical energy”, “needs to play with something”, “wants to do something else” etc) – I cannot empathise.

A quick way to do that is to close your eyes, imagine you are a little child similar to your child, in similar situation, with similar feelings, similar desires and similar constrains.

This little visualization will change your approach from being “out-of-parent” to “out-of-child”. It would be much easier to empathise.

Secondly, What if we assume that the child has a need that this (behaviour) is fulfilling?
The trick is not to try and find this need. Because then we will end up asking “why are you doing this” – a line of questioning which usually leads to fruitless reasoning or justification.

Rather the strategy is to just emthasise with the child that that there is a need. And that we accept the need. (only we may want the child to try and find an alternative way of fulfilling the need - Just like the monk could have asked the girl to go to an eligible bachelor!

Based on the situation and the child’s age one could say:
If child rocking and gurgling, “You seem to be wanting to do something. What (else) would you like to do?
If child is hitting another child, (after stopping him from hitting) “You seem to be wanting to tell him something. Is there another way to do it?
If child is copying in exam, “You seem to be wanting to get more marks. Is there another way to get them?
We call this way of responding empathetically as Acceptance Frames. To get a deeper understanding see our earlier write-up at www.geniekids.com/bp29.htm

Thirdly, just because our well of patience dried up does it mean we can shout, scold or hit the child? Are we trying to teach the child: Dear son, when your well of patience similarly dries up, just go out and let others have it!
Before we respond to the child’s behaviour or even after we have responded (lets say shouted), can we check with ourself:

What will my behaviour teach my child?

Our emotional balancing comes from our experiences (specially during our childhood). For children, since parents are literally Gods, what and how parents respond is “ideal way to respond”. So lets watch out our own modeling!

To empathise is to show children that you are a perfectly respectable human being and we like the way you are. We do not want to change you; however it may be helpful to sometimes change your behaviour. When children feel that it is not them who somebody is trying to change, but only the behaviour that needs to be adjusted, children are more open to changing.

It doesn’t make sense to throw the baby out with the dirty bathwater. The bath water might be dirty because of the child, but its not the child. To empathise is to see the baby through the dirty bathwater, not without it!

Also remember what Harold S. Hulbert said, “Children need our love most when they least deserve it”!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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