Expecting or Accepting?

Mrs Sujatha's from Bangalore had written:
I'm looking for some tips from you to change my son's attitude.
Basically he's liked by all as a very calm, well behaved & good
mannered child. The problem is when we go out for some party
or function, he doesn't talk to anyone who's new to him and he
doesn't even show interest to join the other kids to play. Is he hesitant?
or what is that is holding him to mingle with people?

When I ask him a question (general or study related), though he knows the
answer he won't say it immediately, unless I tell him 'You know the
answer correctly, common tell'. Sometimes I really get bugged.
(Is he lacking confidence?).
As a mother I know his nature, so I'll persuade him and wait. Others
might think he's not smart. I want him to get bold, talk to people,
and at least say 'yes' or 'no' quickly and not stand dumb in front of
others and make me feel embarrassed.

Our response to Mrs Sujatha's letter:
You will agree that a response to a small email can at best be a general
one. We don't know where the problem exists and even whether there is a
problem or not. So what follows are some general comments and questions
for you to reflect on. Also before you try to change your son, I believe
you are OPEN to CHANGING YOURSELF. That is important.

Most parents look at their children with best INTENTIONS,
but not necessarily with best ACTIONS.

Majority of children are shy with strangers - and this is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Look at it this way - when children go amongst strangers, they are
supposed to behave, they are constantly instructed and reprimanded by
parents and independence is curtailed. Moreover they are talked about,
joked about, teased, cheeks pulled, and are also expected to PERFORM.

In addition, to most social gatherings, children go by default, not because
THEY want to go. So is your son showing an excessive behaviour or a normal one?
Do you push him into going for such gathering? Do you push socially acceptable
behaviour too much on him? Are you putting your expectations too much on him?
Does he has less confidence, less boldness or is he merely REBELLING
through such behaviour?
Perhaps a more understanding behaviour will bring out the real him.
For example, if you are going to a party with you, can you allow him to just
sit in one corner and read some comics. Is it better to bother about
WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK or is it more important to bother about WHAT HE IS
THINKING. By supporting him this way will he think, "my parents are on my side".
Will this increase his confidence?

And maybe after sometime he might, on his own, start enjoying other's company?
Is he being asked too many questions? Is he being judged right or wrong too
much. Is he being allowed to make mistakes - as many he wants? Do you help
him too soon if he isn't able to solve or answer something. Maybe he doesn't
want to tell the answer. Maybe he wants to write about it. Maybe he just
needs to be left with the questions.
Maybe he needs to develop his own questions rather then others'.

Also do you work on lovely labels? Is he getting too many instructions, do this,
don't do this, etc? Is he getting too many critical and negative remarks.
Is your language positive and motivating. Do you suggest to him in many
different ways that he is really smart, confident and bright.
Do you praise him SPECIFICALLY more then you scold him?

Do this exercise:
Look around and try to find instances of RED colour. Do you see
red popping out of places where you had not even noticed? Our mind goes on
what we focus. Take this out of your mind that there is a problem
(in fact I personally think he is ALL RIGHT).

Simply focus on the good in your child and he will focus on that.
For example, when he is standing dumb, and you are feeling embarrassed,
that will be communicated to him through your body language, expression
and your words. This will only discourage him. Try showing empathy by
accepting his "not answering" and just telling others that at this moment
he doesn't want to answer. Let your expressions, words, and body language
show that you support him and care for him. Then just wait to be surprised by him.

According to me the only thing he needs he already has - YOU

Mrs Sujatha's reply to above:

Thanks very much for your response. It indeed helped me a lot. After I read
through your mail, I realized that he's actually very normal and I was unnecessarily
worried and expecting too much from him. Now that I've changed my views and also
trying to change my husband's way of interacting with him (by not instructing him
too much & also avoid using negative words) I've noticed reasonably good change
in him from the last 2 - 3 days. I've explained the concept of 'Lovely labels' and he
liked it. I'm preparing some of them and I'm sure that'll definitely help to change him.

Our concluding comments: We can do wonders if we follow this maxim: "Expect less, Accept more"
 

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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