Respecting
Disgust
I have
good news and I have bad news.
The bad news is that we have lost the key to the door
behind which the secret of life is hidden.
The good news is that the door is not locked!
(Swami Beyondananda)
The other day
I was walking towards my car in my apartment complex, when
I saw a mother with her four year old son walk out of another
block all set to catch the bus to go to school. Suddenly
the child started puking right on the steps in front of
the building. The mother, for some reason, got rather agitated
with this and started retorting, “Oh shit! …. Oh Shit! “What
are you doing? Oh Shit!” The child simply kept on vomiting
and the mother kept on showing her disgust by repeating
“Oh shit”. Finally she even snapped, “What did you have
today? (as if somebody else had served him breakfast!).
My first reaction was
“What kind of mother is she?’ and a desire to reach out
to the child and comfort him. But having learned not to
interfere in other’s business, I just walked on pondering
over the whole incidence.
How often we react
to what we see (or is visible) – and what we see can often
be disgusting - the vomit. However, what was visible was
neither the cause, nor the real area of concern. It was
churning inside his stomach that was the real trouble. The
puke needed no response, but the feeling he was having in
the stomach was what needed to be addressed.
So this is what is happening here:
Visible: Disgusting Behaviour - Response: Caustic Reaction
But if we add a third dimension here – see how the response
changes
Reason: Child’s feelings - Visible: Disgusting Behaviour - Response: Empathetic Respect
Many of us will say,
“I will never respond like this mother did. So, lets take
some more examples of disgusting behaviour to check out
our pattern of response:
> Small child pulls sister’s hair - how do you respond?
> Young Teenager says, “That uncle is so horrible” - how
do you respond?
> In his temper a six year old smashes his toy on the floor
- how do you respond?
> A ten year old says, “I hate this homework” - how do you
respond?
> Your middle school daughter says about her friend, “She
is such a pig” - how do you respond?
Do we want our children
to grow up as emotionally balanced individuals? Do we agree
that being emotionally balanced is important to lead a successful
happy life? In which case, first of all, are we exhibiting
an emotionally balanced response? Two, and more importantly,
are we respecting their emotional being, the feelings within?
Three, are we emotionally empowering them by showing them
how to manage their feelings.
Somewhere our own emotional immaturity
first shows up (just like the mothers response to puking).
More importantly, by discounting the child's feelings we
are leading the child to disregard himself, to loads of
negative self talk, suppressing emotions, blaming others,
and having no clue how to handle these emotions.
What we really need
is to empower the child emotionally. And the mantra is:
"Respecting Feelings"
The premise is that when children’s feelings are respected,
they learn to respect their feelings; When they learn to
respect their feelings, they start to respect themselves;
when they start to respect themselves, they start to respect
others; when they respect others, they also respect other’s
feelings, they understand, they empathize, they care.
Here is how we do it:
Look at it in this way – no matter how the child feels,
its alright to feel that way. Its only how the child expresses
those feelings that could be a problem. Which means the
child is justified to feel the way he or she feels, there
is nothing right or wrong about the feelings per se. So
the first level is accepting the
feelings – “You’re not feeling alright”.
If we are able to
understand the feelings – we might be able to deal with
them better. So the second level is to help the child understand
his feelings – we do this by identifying the feelings – (What exactly is the child feeling) – He
seems to be ‘upset’.
The third and
the crucial step is to now to respect that feeling – its
alright to feel the way you feel – so we acknowledge the child’s feelings by communicating – “You look upset”
By respecting the child’s
feelings this way we are respecting the child’s innermost
persona, the core from where the child operates, the heart.
Lets look at the responses to above situations as examples,
before we discuss the benefits of the doing so.
Small child pulls
sister’s hair -“You are angry with your sister”
Young Teenager says, “That uncle is so horrible” - “In some
way that Uncle has upset you”
In his temper a six year old smashes his toy on the floor
- “You are very angry over something”
A ten year old says, “I hate this homework” - “Homework
seems uninteresting”
Your middle school daughter says about her friend, “She
is such a pig” - You must be really disturbed (with your
friend)
Notice the following:
While we know the behaviour shown
may not be acceptable, we do not admonish the behaviour
as of now. As Daniel Goleman (the authority on emotional
Intelligence) said, "self awareness has to come before self
regulation". Hence we focus on the feelings. Too many children
have their feelings discounted and yet we expect them to
regulate their feelings! We do not ask a question - a question
at this stage is an interrogation. Why are your angry? or
Why are you vomiting :-) or What are you doing? all seem
to focus on behaviour and questions its validity. Another
problem with questions is that - it is so easy to justify
the behaviour - "She pushed me so I am pulling her hair?"
Instead we merely acknowledge the feelings through a statement.
And what do we gain by respecting the
child's emotions:
One, the child
feels better, which
brings down the emotion, which brings down the behaviour
(isn't that what we wanted in the first place).
Two, the child feels understood (because the child's feelings are respected)
Three, the child feels valued (because the child is understood)
Four, the child opens up, talks willingly about 'what happened' and may even propose
how he can handle it!
Five, the child learns how
to express his or her feelings
more appropriately (so next time chances are instead of
smashing the toy, the child will say "I am very angry"
Lastly, the child starts to own
the feelings, and taking
responsibility of one's feelings - this according to Daniel
Goleman is the second step towards self regulation and emotional
empowerment.
In today's global world emotional Intelligence matters
more than Intelligence quotient for success in work, relationship
and happiness. Instead of becoming a behaviour policeman,
can we first become a emotional nurse.
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For
www.geniekids.com
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