Making them Responsible?

If you do not want to read the full newsletter - here is the mantra in one line:

If you want your children to be more responsible, let them be more responsible,
give them more responsibility.

But it isn't as simple as it sounds, looks and feels.

One, many of us parents actually derive our self worth from their dependency on us.
One toddler always insisted to have her mother accompany her to toilet. One day
she proudly announced "Mummy, I don't need you". Guess what, instead of rejoicing,
the mother deep down felt her role as the mother had lessened.

So lets ask ourselves, are they dependent on us, or are we dependent on them
(to give meaning to, or bring happiness, etc in our life)?

Two, is our own insecurity that the child will suffer if I do not take responsibility of
him or her. If I do not feed him, he will not eat. (Can any human stay hungry?) If I do
not wake him for school, he will miss the school. (Maybe for a day he may enjoy
doing that, but will he like that forever?)

So let us ask, maybe there will be slight upsets in the very short run, but isn't
the lesson learned the road to becoming independent?

Third, is our own lack of confidence in their capability. Underestimation is the rule,
risk taking is no-no, and faith is the biggest victim. If we want children with high
confidence, we need to first show that confidence in them. Can you give your two
year a full dish to carry? Can you give your eight year old purse to manage cash
during shopping? Can you give your thirteen year old computer without your spying?

So lets ask ourselves, even if the dish drops, even if we lose money, even if he
wanders on the Internet, isn't the faith we build, the confidence we instill more
important? Is it worth it?

Finally, to some of us control is the only way to fulfill our expectations. Since I
want him to come first, I will sit on his head till he studies. Since I want him to
behave, I will command and handle him so he behaves (and doesn't embarrass me).

So lets ask ourselves, can we make acceptance more important then expectations ?
Can we make respect more important then control?

Many of us feel that we do not have much time with our children. The reason is that
most of the time we are transacting ability with them (doing things for them that they
should be doing themselves), instead of transacting responsibility with them (giving
them the responsibility). Its funny, but we need to learn to delegate their work to them.
And then we would be free to contribute to their life in a more meaningful way!

Here are some specific suggestions:

1. Let them set their own Goals - be it studies, food, getting up, clothes et al. If the
goals are below your expectations, simply say, "I know you are capable of much
more than that." Keep stroking them positively and leave onto them to raise the bar.
Remember each one of us wants to excel.

2. Let them learn from Consequences - if I do not get up myself, I do not go to school.
If I do not keep my things in place, I do not find them later.

3. Give them chance to Succeed - ignore many failures, just to celebrate the
successes. Build self confidence through setting up, or specifically looking for
successful experiences. So after so many struggling days when he did go to the
school on time and without your help - honour, commend and rejoice.

4. Use Affirmative language with the child. You are working hard is a thousand
times more powerful then you need to work hard. Later sounds like an instruction,
command or advice. Former gives recognition and inspiration.

5. While you lower your expectations, also learn to relax - Your own tension
communicates lack of faith or confidence and transmits stress. This often leads
to their giving-up. See their struggles, trials, endeavours as cute and big learning
opportunities (for them). Endear, encourage and extol them with the best grin on
your face and best wishes in your heart.

Do not transact ability; Transact Responsibility.

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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