The Myths of Confidence - part 11
 

I thought the last article was the last I would write in this series of articles on confidence. Then my friend popped up with a question, "So what is your secret of being confident? Did your parents follow these principles you have been talking about?

This made me reflect upon my own childhood and the way my parents went about raising me. Coincidently at the same time I was working on the workshop on *learning from CARL ROGERS*  (to be conducted this Saturday - 25th Nov06).

At least two of the three principles Carl Rogers based hi whole work on, were consistently used by my parents too, both I can immediately relate to me being confident in my life - confident enough to achieve whatever I wanted to achieve.

The two principles are parenting by forming relationships based on
* Unconditional Acceptance and
* Empathic interactions

Somewhere all along my childhood, whether I almost always played all ALONE, whether I preferred to play play and play games all day long, whether my rank was in the lower half of the class, whether all I ate was sugar-chapati, I was always accepted. While My parents did suggest what they would like me to do, at no stage they scoffed or frowned, or fretted over my idiosyncrasies.

Also, as I went through my own ups and downs, as any childhood would present, they always showed an understanding side of theirs rather than a commanding or condemning one. This approach, more often than not, left me to find my own ways, after they have ensured that they had communicated their understanding (as well as their concerns). This empathetic way of interacting at every level, left me more self reliant, more independent of my own thinking and choosing.

Both of these ways of working with children are, according to me, often misunderstood and more lip serviced than actually practiced by parents.
If you find in your 14 year old boy's cupboard, a sleazy porn magazine, how will you respond?

After summoning both me and my elder brother, this is how my parents responded,
My mother said, "I have found this in your cupboard.
I understand that at this age curiosity about sex is high, so wanting to explore sex is quite natural.
However I am concerned about three things:
One, these kinds of magazines give a lot of misleading information and views about sex and about women.
Two, these kind of magazines could be addictive and would divert you from your studies which at this stage are more important.
Three, If you have any friends that are leading you to all of these, then beware, a lot of what we become and do depends upon the kind of company we keep.
I am sure both of you are mature enough to understand the three things we just told you. Both of you can approach any of us if you need any information. If you feel shy, we can even get you magazines or books which give the right picture of sex."

While there are multiple parenting lessons in the way my parents responded, its to me a true example of complete acceptance and empathetic understanding.

I leave it your imagination, what kind of confidence in one's thinking, one ability to discern what is right and wrong, one's faith in one self will this kind of approach build.

Acceptance is not to be confused with resignation. It is to do with the belief that intentions are always right, if they are accepted, behaviour can be redirected.
Acceptance is not to be confused with pampering. Pampering is freedom without responsibility. True freedom leads to responsibility of ones thoughts and actions.

Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy is to pity or feel for another's situation. Empathy is to only understand the feelings another is going through.
Empathy is not to be confused to being emotional. We all ARE emotional. To me we cannot not have feelings. Empathy is how we relate to those feelings.

Confidence then is a function of many things - but definitely more internal resources then external. It becomes imperative then as parents that instead of blindly following societal fads, insecure expectations and short term results, we sensitively work with the child's inner being, through fundamental developmental approaches based on acceptance and understanding.

Carl Roger's work has influenced me much beyond working with children. Its a way of life. Hence, here is a very passionate invitation to parents to be with us this Saturday as we explore Carl Rogers simple yet profound insights which SHOULD IMPACT every learning and development environment - be it a home or a school or even a work place!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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