Resourceful parenting, Resourceful kids

A parent had come to Geniekids with her three and half year old son and his elder daughter. While checking around the resource center the boy saw what looked like a box of jigsaw puzzle to him. He insisted to his mother that he wanted to do the puzzle in Geniekids. The mother first tried convincing the son that they would come other time, but the son’s adamancy was increasing. Sensing a confrontation, she whispered a request me, to tell her son that Geniekids does not have any puzzle!
I immediately got up and spoke loudly, “No mam, I cannot tell a lie to the children” and then I turned to the boy and said,
“Yes dear, we do have puzzles here. But your mother wants to go home now. Why don’t you go home, draw a picture, cut into many pieces and give it to your mummy to solve?”.
Both the kids liked this idea and soon were excitedly discussing what they will do, while wearing their shoes to go home.

There are two important moot points I would like to rake up here for discussion:

One - The resourceful Parent

My colleague remarked, post the children had left, “Only you could have come up with such a simple solution. While I thanked her for the complement, I contemplated on what could have made me come up with the alternate solution.

And that is where I defer with her: It isn’t me who is special – my guess is any parent could have come up with such a alternate approach – PROVIDED – the parent believes that there are alternatives; PROVIDED the parent doesn’t look at scolding, punishments, lies, etc as “last resorts”. The problem with these ‘last resorts’ is that since we believe they are last resorts – we access them too soon.

According to me all we need to do is to carry a belief that there should be another way of approaching a situation like this. This may require a trifle more time, effort and thought from us, but would have superior effectiveness. Then we all can come up with solutions which not only are not more effective, but also more respecting the dignity of child and our relationship with him or her.

Two - The long cut of the short cut

Why we as parents resort to so many short-cuts? And why in spite of such short cuts often failing, we keep trying at them? But more importantly, how do these short cuts help us; and help our children?

My hypothesis is that we take maximum short-cuts in parenting, since we are rarely questioned; after all, we are the ultimate authority! Check out your own list of short-cuts – slaps, so called white lies, ‘this isn’t for you’, ‘because I say so’, to ‘lets not tell him.’

All of these operate from a state of superiority – physical, mental or social. So much for building trust, integrity, resourcefulness and moral responsibility!

I am reminded of the father who was taking his children for a class of value based education by jumping the red signal. We need to remind ourselves that living and learning are not separate. Children are only learning what they are experiencing.

At one level children are left often confused, often hurt, often disconnected. But more importantly, a developmental opportunity is lost, an opportunity to build resourcefulness in your child! After all each experience the child goes through is not about us, but its an addition to child’s development and can we value add to this process.

We believe that whenever there is a problem, resourcefulness comes into play. Whenever your child has an issue, it’s an opportunity to build resourcefulness. Its doesn’t do any good to the child if we solve or scold. However, it multiplies capabilities when we show to the child how one of her own resource is the rescue. We underplay our superiority and authority while we access their potentiality and expand their ability.

Here are four ways of building resourcefulness in children:

1. Transfer the power

Can we say to the child, “You decide”! All we need to do is place both the sides of an issue/ argument in front of the child and then say, “you decide”. Think what it will do to the child if, thence we follow whatever his or her decision is.

Let’s say the child is demanding an ice-cream when she is having a cold. Can we say to the child, “You want to have ice-cream because you really feel like having it, while you can’t have ice-cream because you have a bad cold. Now you decide! And I am with you whichever way you decide”

What this does is that it gives the child a sense of responsibility about using this suddenly given power. Maybe the child will try you out initially (and go for ‘ice cream’). But sooner or later, if you continue to leave the power of choice with the child, she starts responding more maturely. The child accesses her resourcefulness of being more ‘balanced and pragmatic’.

2. Sharing our feelings

Can we share with children our feelings and that they need to take care of our feelings. Its not that we normally do not show our feelings – we shout, we show anger, frustration, irritation – and all of these are typically in the form of blaming the child?

Examples: “How can you speak like that”? “You are so careless, it’s a limit”? “Can you stop moving, it is so irritating”.

Yes all of these in someway communicate what we are going through, but by using a attack language. No wonder most children respond to these through defense (active or passive). This doesn’t develop any resourcefulness. It only makes me feel smaller and learn avoid tactics.

The trick is to express the feelings ONLY. Not mix blaming into it. In most cases the child already knows what the child had done wrong. Given that I express how I feel, the child is able to ‘take care’ of the feelings.

We can always just state our feelings: “I feel upset with such a way of speaking”. “I feel frustrated when things are not taken care of”. “I feel irritated with constant movement”

This focus on “I” and my feelings leaves the child liberated of any blame and gives the child the opportunity to access his resources to find an acceptable solution to the problem.

3. Producing & Creating

Once in Harvard University, John Sinclair was invited to talk about writing. The huge auditorium was jam packed with aspiring writers. John came and asked, “Who all want to learn how to write?” All hands went up in great anticipation. John Continued, “Ok, So all of you want to learn how to write …. then … go home and write”! And, saying that he left the hall.
We become most resourceful when we produce (rather then when we consume). The moment a child is asked to create or produce – a thought, an action, an idea, etc., the child starts operating from his or her resources. This is the strategy which we used with the boy who wanted the jigsaw puzzle.

Producing is challenging, requires multiple faculties at work, usually requires action which children love and finally gives a great sense of achievement.

4. Affirm Strengths

Imagine a child is afraid of something. What do you think will happen if we say to her, “remember how confidently you were making that drawing and remember how confidently you were reciting that poem, etc. Now while the previous two situations have nothing to do with fear, and even the strength accessed (i.e. confidence) not directly relevant, reminding previous strengths puts the child in a resourceful state.

Affirm, which means, ‘to make firm’, makes our inner well of resourcefulness stronger. We have often witnessed when working with children on success skills that once their preciously exhibited strengths are evoked they start overcoming other obstacles. For example, one child who was not ready to talk about his work was told by the facilitator, “I liked the way you were determined to finish your model”. Within seconds the child had started off, “Yes, and I wanted to ……..” and went on talk in detail about his work.

The whole approach of resourcefulness is signed by a single belief – If one doesn’t work, another will work, it’s only a matter of how do I keep reaching out for them, inside me.
Hence we as parents could have infinite positive ways to work with our children, to inspire them.
Similarly children would also have infinite power to achieve.

Parents, if you need ways to enhance your parenting efforts then organizations like geniekids will always have programs and resources for you.Children since they need intervention and interaction to become more empowered they will always have sensitive and trained adults like our facilitators. We constantly work towards discovering the genie inside every child, the vast resourcefulness inside our child.

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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