Aug 23rd Session Review on Discipline

I've been thinking a lot about this session...

1. "disciplining" equals "punishing":

The desire to punish comes when you take things
personally. I take things personally when my feelings
get hurt. My feelings get hurt when i believe that
the act was committed without regard for my feelings.
So then i wonder/realize:

a. How selfish i am when i get angry at my child for
misbehaving, because i'm putting myself as the center
of his world. I'm blocking out his other motivations
and focusing on me.

b. When i set out to punish (and vent my
frustration), the heretofore positive objective of
teaching him something of value is replaced with the
goal of teaching him how not to hurt me.

c. How can anything positive come out of a desire to
hurt?

d. Parents resort to punishment because it is seen as
a tool for shaping behavior in a child. But as we
learned in one of the earlier 9ttt classes, you can
only change someone's behavior by changing that
person's beliefs. How does punishing someone change
that person's beliefs which caused the (wrongful)
behavior?

e. I hadn't realized that offering rewards for doing
a task, and which you hold back if the task is not
done, is also punishment. I saw it as incentivizing
my kids. I thought this was a much better strategy
than simply withholding a privilege for not doing
something. Why is this considered a punishment --
after all, there is no anger/vengefulness/frustration
involved? Yes, the child does get hurt when the
reward is withheld, but the child was in control of
the situation. Perhaps it is punishment because not
getting the reward would leave him feeling resentful?
Have to think more..

f. How proudly i claimed in class that we don't
punish our kids at home...but i do get angry at them,
and surely i radiate hostility during such times. (i
really believe that there's no hiding from your own
children, can fool yourself but can't fool them one
bit, they can smell you) So isn't that punishment?
Better to inform them i'm angry and walk away, than to
cover up and behave artificially.

g. Disciplining is not limited to children..so at
times when i act out of anger, aren't i punishing my
spouse, family, friends?

2. Disciplining without punishment

Is this possible? Am i getting caught up in semantics
-- after all, the term "disciplining" seems to be
politically incorrect?

what do you call it when you guide your child towards
positive behaviors? I always thought this part of
disciplining.

3. Parenting with a light touch

This session ratcheted up my awareness that parenting
is best when done with a light touch. of course,
something similar has been said previously, Kahlil
Gibran's poem says the same beautifully, but somehow i
lose sight of this in day to day practice. I'm quick
to give solutions (still, but becoming more aware), i
get angry/resentful with the kids frequently, etc.
etc.

Actually, it boils down to living life with a light
touch or living light-heartedly. Parenting is just
one aspect.

Sujata