Some Counselling cases
Some Example cases:
13 yr old
Parent Concern: "He is violent with kids. School is thinking of asking him to leave the school. He is not doing well in studies. Failed in 8th std. Stealing, telling lies, argument with us etc."
Action point after one to one counselling
- Accept him
- Till now we have been treating symptoms only - we need to find reason for his behaviours.
- Relax
- Involve him in decision, respect him.
- Listen to him and TRUST him.
Parent Update:
As far
as behaviour and atmosphere in the house goes, we are really happy, he
is much softer, not aggressive and we can have a reasonable
conversation.... lots of improvement in all fronts, from us and him
He is doing fine, thanks to all your inputs. Thanks for being there for us. He is focusing on his IGCSE exams. All is well.
Thank you he did well in his 10th board. We are amazed with his motivation. Thanks a lot for everything and guiding us through out.
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11 yr old,
Parent Report: He has
a habit of rejecting any type of instructions; Started telling lot of
lies; He cannot concentrate on any subject for more than 5-10 min -
leading to a very difficult situation of scoring very less marks in the
exams / tests, Does not respect elders / seniors, Less matured
compared to his age boys. However, no evidence of any bad habits like
smoking etc.
Action point after one to one counselling
- Share your concern, thoughts but do not demand that he should follow - do not decide for him. Allow him to take decision.
- Talk to him
- Ask his opinion
- Give him options
- Appreciate his efforts
- Understand his feelings
- Identify his strengths and convey this to him
- Talk about the action, not label him "liar". Empower him to handle the situation.
- Talk about his feelings and the reason which lead to telling lies - work on the reason not necessarily the lie.
- Before changing school talk to him and tell your concern.
Parent Update:
Thank
you fro the eye opener session. Till now we used to think there is
problem with “him”. Now we think we need to change our approach. We are
trying to accept him. He looks happier. Thank you for all the smiles.
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7yr old
Parent Concern: This is the issue almost every morning - i have to constantly keep
reminding her that she needs to hurry up and finally because there is
time running out i loose my patience and shout at her or stop helping
her to get ready.
Every afternoon when she comes back i
always tell her to keep the clothes in the laundry bag but invariably
she forgets and they keep lying on the floor. When it comes to sleeping
she doesn’t follow any time, 9, 9.30 sometimes 10 pm at which point i
loose my cool. I want to inculcate in her the sense of time.
She is not able to take a no for an answer. Whenever her friends say - they are not her friends - she finds it hard to take it.
Action points
- Inculcate the responsibility in her step by step.
- First work on going to school in time and completing all the chores before she leave and she leaves for school happily
- Encourage her at every step
- You as parent take her opinion - tell your expectation but ALLOW her to take her decisions. And you accept that decision.
- Be there as a guide not the deciding faculty for her
- Address to her feelings like "you will not buy for me" rather than addressing the issue only.
- She is leaning from parents so see - How do you take "no"? Set example for her.
- Do not underestimate her - she can think, express and take her decisions - she needs your guidance not command.
- You need to redefine your
expectations and both parents need to talk/ work in tandem - Two
different messages can confuse the child. - Both the parents need to decide "family values' and show respect for each other.
Parent Update:
I
am more peaceful and started accepting her. Giving her choices and
making her routine is helping. She goes to sleep with a smile and get
up with a smile. The approach to “not give solution” is helping me in my office. I am able to motivate my team to work more. THANK YOU.
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10yrs old
Parent Concern: Finding difficulty to settle in
school. She is SCARE to go to school. She wants to go back to her home
town. She is loving and caring it does not like her classmates and
current school. She cry like anything in the morning to get up.
While at the same time her sister has adjusted to the new school very nicely.
Lately she as become adamant and does not listen.
Action points
- Accept her emotions and situation. Give her time to settle.
- Motivation to get up in the morning - either sports or any other interesting activity.
- Wait and watch for the results to
come - be honest, do not stretch yourself to solve the problem --
things will settle with positive approach - STOP comparing
- Make a "study buddy".
Parent Update:
It
was indeed an enlightening session with you last Saturday. As you said,
the immediate solution may not come out but talking to you gave us a
new way of thinking and tackling the situation.
We are trying to follow the suggestions given by you and ‘accepting’ her
as she is – although it’s a bit frustrating. One positive development
that I have noticed is that she does not become dull and sad at night
which was the case earlier – that’s probably because she knows that now
she will not be forced to go to school. She is very happy to follow the
school routine at home, in other words she is absolutely fine in the
confines of the home. - FATHER
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10 years old
Parent Concern: Lazy and gets distracted easily. Due to
this he often leaves his class work incomplete. He is always in a hurry
to finish his work and hence his handwriting is very bad and also he
ends up making lot of spelling mistakes.
He often compares the material things we have with what
his friends have and always wants us to buy the toys and gadgets that
his friends have. While we do buy educational toys/games and a lot of
books - he never seems to be satisfied with what he has.
His usual response to our requests to change his behaviour is "I want to change but my mind does not listen to me."
His postures and hygiene habits are
very poor. His shoulders droop, he has his hands on his hips even when
he is in the middle of a outdoor sport, keeps fidgeting his t-shirt.
Action Points
- Give him opportunity to become responsible.
- Let him work out a time table.
- Allow him to make mistake – be patient
- Appreciate him - let him think positive about himself
- When he shows dissatisfaction with what he has – listen to him. May be the problem lies somewhere else. May be low self esteem.
- Get him to set his own goals about things that interest him - Sometimes you too get involved. Sometimes leave him alone.
- Are you looking at him from your "perfect" eyes?
- See if you can push him without any expectations!
- Try Yoga, guided visualization - ask
him close his eyes and imagine himself to be a smart boy, walking in
the woods, with hand by the side etc. Suggest him altertante actions
like instead of keepings hands on the hips he can fold them and so on.
Parent Update:
Thank
you for the guidance. ACCEPTING him is really helping. He is reacting
positively. As suggested by you we too are learning to be patient and
give him opportunity to be responsible.
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5yrd old
Parent Concern: Both parents are working. She has developed fear for darkness and skeleton.
Action Point
- Accept her feelings - LISTEN
- Allow her to talk about skeleton
- When she shows fear – ask her how the skeleton looks like? Draw
- What the skeleton like to eat, wear and so on
- Use books
- Do not say “there is nothing to scare” – do not deny her feelings. Let her overcome herself.
Parent Update:
Talking and drawing “fear” is helping, She is more open to talk and take this as an activity. Thank you very much.
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10 yr old son
Parent Concern: Aggressive behaviour. Rude with others. Coplanis from school. Loving and caring.
Action Points:
- You cannot change his environment and its effect on him so let us not work for that.
- You cannot change anybody not even your son - So let us not try to change him. Just remind him "you are caring and helpful".
- You
can make his interaction with you "positive" - so let us work for that.
Tell him you like the way he "listen" to you and other four people whom
he loves. - You can "accept" him - so let us accept him. Show your non approval
of his behaviour but not disapprove him. When he looses a game and
shouts - say " You do not like to loose a game - you can express it
differently" or even if he makes any excuse to not to play game - tell
him " I have observed you do not want to play because you do not like
to loose game". DO not get into any argument.
- You can "appreciate" him for his efforts - so do that. Give
him fishes, make him feel special "I want to play cricket with you
because you are spacial for me". - You can give him "peace" - so
do that. When he is angry - just use "mum" or minimal words "screaming
is not helping" - avoid long conversation or reminding him of his
promise to not get angry. Take him out for nature outing, take him to
down to earth places and enjoy together.
- You can guide him - share your thoughts, feelings and see him sharing his TRUE feelings with you.
- You
can be "specific" - remember "good" or "bad" behaviour is not
specific. "When you talk slowly - I like to hear you". Be crisp in your
converastion - just enough to remind him not to correct him at that
moment.
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Parent concern : He is very bright.
He appears to get distracted very easily. Unless he is systematically coached on
daily basis he appears to slack. He often bullies and
bosses younger sister. He appears to have gone through considerable behavior
change – very poor scores in a few subjects at school disrespectful to and
argumentative with parents, more aggressive with asking for things.
Action Points:
- Appreciate his efforts
- Be specific in your praise
- STOP comparing
- Allow children to solve their problem
on their own. - At a time work on only two behavior
issue - take up other issues later. - Involve him in making his planning
(day, studies) - Do not "instruct" - guide him. - Allow him to take hos decisions -
wrong or right - let him realize - - Be a guide - MUM is the word not mummy.
- ACCEPT him not "Expect".
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