Comparison or Cooperation

Siuation A

Parent: “How come your brother always picks things up when I ask, but you never do?” Child thinks: My brother's a goody goody. I hate him. My parents also like him more.

Parent: “You are a big boy. Don't make a mess with food like the baby does.” Child thinks: “I am not good more than a baby. They love the baby more. I do not want to grow up!”

When kids fight most of us parents interfere in a way that increases the competition. This may apparently stop the fight, but inside the child, frustration swells. Usually the fight restarts within two minutes. Since children are unique and different from another, perhaps the biggest parenting approach would be to treat them on their own merits. We have to resist the temptation to compare. Simply make it a rule that you will not talk about two in the same breath. We compare children for a number of reasons. Often, we believe that such comparisons will shame children and give them an incentive to do better. But comparing children to each other often sets them up for a great deal of jealousy and envy.

So in Situation A, just leave the reference out: “I would like you to be more organized. Toys left around get broken and make room dirty.” Comparison is a judgment. Focus on words and actions specifically on each child's behavior. Correct or encourage children in a more positive way. A reference to a ‘baby’ like in situation B would only make the child rebel or sulk. Try “. Food is not something to play. I really like when you eat neatly”.

Also, competition between siblings can sometimes make children feel very insecure and intolerant. Learning to handle competitive feelings is a real challenge for young children. Part of growing up is learning about personal power and establishing ones place in the family. Remember, between two children, cooperation is the mantra. More they work as team, less chance they will fight. So eschew the role of a referee and assume the one of a coach.

Some suggestions:

1. Never take sides. This reinforces competition. Typically parents take side of the younger child, the older feels left out and younger becomes a master of manipulation. Either remove the reason of fight (the ball or doll), or let them face the same consequence, simply separate them without a single word and firmly into different rooms etc.

2. Refuse to listen to complains about others. We have used this consistently with great success at GenieKids center. Establish a rule in your house “We do not talk about others, we only talk about ourselves.”

3. Let the two children problem solve. Tell the children who come to you for arbitration to sort out their problems themselves. If they are fighting over the TV remote, take it from them, switch off the TV, tell them to sort out the problem between themselves and relate the solution to you, only then they get the remote. Note: they may continue to fight, but if you persist with the strategy, they soon get the message.

4. Remove yourself from the scene. Believe it or not, many fights happen because you are present. They want to involve you and get your attention or feel important by your taking side or both. Your reluctance to get involved leads them to resolve it themselves and leaves you stress free.

5. Continuously give lovely labels to both the children. Lovely labels diffuse the power struggle, attention grabbing or hurtful feelings (all reasons for fights). At a quieter time reinforce to each child how both are differently smart and lovable. (See ‘Genie Worth-It’ below).

6. Use humor. Laughter is the best medicine. If they are laughing, they can’t be fighting! One father would mimic a TV reporter. He would offer the mike (his thumb) to the children “The action reporter here. Who would like to be the first to speak into my camera and give our audience your version of what is happening here?” Once the children have told their story (amidst laughter) he would end by turning towards the imaginary camera, “Viewers you got the first hand report of the problem here. Tune in tomorrow to see how these brilliant children solve this problem. Ta Da!” (adapted from ‘Positive Discipline’ by Jane Nelsen)
 

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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