The Good, The Bad & The Child
"Left your food? Bad boy! Your sister is such a nice child, she ate up full".
"You are such a good boy; you didn't make any noise today in the car".
"Come here bad girl, you have left your room all dirty".
"You are terrible, how will you ever improve"?
Truisms, every day occurrences, manner of speech and reprimanding?
Ponder on this:
Are WE good or bad? Or, what we DO is good or bad.
If we do something in a certain way, we would be good and if we do
something the other way we will be bad?
Stretch this - if I achieve something (say, first in class) I am good;
but if I did not, I am NOT good enough. That means my worth, as an individual
is measured NOT by what is inside me, but by how I did a certain task.
Ponder on this:
Are WE good or bad? Or, what we DO is good or bad.
If we do something in a certain way, we would be good and if we do
something the other way we will be bad?
Stretch this - if I achieve something (say, first in class) I am good;
but if I did not, I am NOT good enough. That means my worth, as an individual
is measured NOT by what is inside me, but by how I did a certain task.
The only thing these statements of JUDGMENTS - of good or bad - are
doing is harm. Self-esteem is being eroded and shattered every time this BAD
comes up. "You can never improve". Are we sure we want the child to actually
believe in our fatalistic proclamation? If not, then why make it?
However, the moment we concentrate on WHAT was good or bad rather then
judging YOU were good or bad, the problem is solved. So instead of,
"You were a very bad girl today at the market", why don't we say, "Your
behavior at the shop with the shopkeeper was not nice". The message is clear - I am neither good or bad, I am what I am - however, my actions can be good
or bad and I need to take care of that..
doing is harm. Self-esteem is being eroded and shattered every time this BAD
comes up. "You can never improve". Are we sure we want the child to actually
believe in our fatalistic proclamation? If not, then why make it?
However, the moment we concentrate on WHAT was good or bad rather then
judging YOU were good or bad, the problem is solved. So instead of,
"You were a very bad girl today at the market", why don't we say, "Your
behavior at the shop with the shopkeeper was not nice". The message is clear - I am neither good or bad, I am what I am - however, my actions can be good
or bad and I need to take care of that..
Self esteem should be linked to the POTENTIAL WITHIN US, not with the
JUDGEMENT about us.
Whenever a child gets a 'good' in his school notebook - his is on a
high, while a 'poor' puts him down to dumps. This fluctuation is because the
'good ' or 'poor' is seen as a comment on the persona (and ability) and not the work.
JUDGEMENT about us.
Whenever a child gets a 'good' in his school notebook - his is on a
high, while a 'poor' puts him down to dumps. This fluctuation is because the
'good ' or 'poor' is seen as a comment on the persona (and ability) and not the work.
The other aspect of judging children is that they quickly learn to manipulate.
If drinking milk makes me a good boy, then I can as well drain it down the
kitchen sink and claim to have drunk it and get a "good boy" tag.
That's double trouble - one, he didn't drink the milk, two he learned dishonesty.
Instead, let’s tell the boy that drinking milk is good for his health
and not drinking is bad for it. The act or its consequences are good or bad -
HE IS NOT. Since he will not become 'good' by posing to drink, he will
probably not waste it. He might also not say a lie, because he has nothing to
gain by doing so.
If drinking milk makes me a good boy, then I can as well drain it down the
kitchen sink and claim to have drunk it and get a "good boy" tag.
That's double trouble - one, he didn't drink the milk, two he learned dishonesty.
Instead, let’s tell the boy that drinking milk is good for his health
and not drinking is bad for it. The act or its consequences are good or bad -
HE IS NOT. Since he will not become 'good' by posing to drink, he will
probably not waste it. He might also not say a lie, because he has nothing to
gain by doing so.
Let’s chuck the "good boy", "bad boy" habit.
"Focus on WHAT needs to change, not WHO needs to change" is the maxim.
"Focus on WHAT needs to change, not WHO needs to change" is the maxim.
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
For www.geniekids.com
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