I am Responsible
“You drive me crazy”
“Your habits irritate me”
“Mummy is disappointed when you don’t finish the food”
The issue with the above statements is, while we are expressing our feelings,
we are expressing as if the other person is responsible for our feelings.
Now lets look at each one of the above said in a different way:
“I have a headache and I need some quiet rest. This noise is disturbing me.”
“I feel irritated when you pick your nose, because I think that it is very unhygienic”.
“Mummy is disappointed when you don’t finish the food,
because I want you to grow up healthy and strong.”
The difference, which appears to be subtle, is actually significant. In the first set,
the speaker attributes irritation, frustration, (own feelings) etc., solely to the other
person. Whereas in the second set of statements, the speaker accepts the
responsibility of his or her feelings by acknowledging the thought or the need behind it.
When parents say, “It upsets mummy when you score low in your exams”,
we are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of our unhappiness.
Two important points
One, in spite of child’s low marks we could have CHOSEN to be happy –
in which case is the child responsible for OUR feeling?
Two, we are implying that by getting low marks the child is not caring enough
for the parents. So next time FOR THE SAKE OF PARENT’S HAPPINESS
the child should get good marks! Should the child be responsible because of
its own motivation or to somehow avoid guilt?
So instead of saying “I feel hurt when you shout like that”, can we say “I feel hurt when
you shout like that because I feel I am not being respected.”
Or instead of saying “I feel frustrated when you come late”, we can say “I feel frustrated
when you come late because it wastes my time.”
When we express our needs indirectly through evaluations, judgments,
interpretations, guilt planting, etc others are likely to hear criticism.
When we hear criticism we rush into self-defense, counterattack denial etc.
If we want them to understand our NEEDS, instead of negatively interpreting
their behavior, we need to express our needs clearly.
Unfortunately most of us have never been taught to think in terms of our needs.
We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people, when
our needs are not being met. Thus when we want our house to be clean, we
characterize our children as lazy or disorganized!
And what lesson are we passing to our children. They grow up hearing the
“blaming language” not the “responsible language”. And you bet that is what
they use. “I am angry because teacher gave him more marks”. "I am upset
because she didn’t call me for the party”, and so on.
In fact very young children, who have not learned this language, actually do
speak out their needs. They will rarely blame you or anybody for their feelings.
“I am feeling angry because I didn’t get the chocolate”, is what a typical four
year old say.
A huge chunk our of children’s mental framework is based on what they see
and hear in the home. If we want our children to be free from self pity, be
responsible for their actions and to be in control and in terms with their feelings,
then we need to make our own communication responsible.
Remember what others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Or as Epictetus said “People are disturbed not by things, but by the view
they take of them.”
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
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