Mis-behavior Mis-beliefs
Children come into the world void of any beliefs. Their experiences initiate this belief building process. Invariably they build some misbeliefs.
The classic example is the behavior a young child shows, jealous of the little sibling that has just arrived in the family. He believes that mommy loves me no more and starts showing irritable, irresponsible behavior.
Tackle that as a behavior problem and you will only have more of it. Address the belief and work on changing it, the behavior changes dramatically.
Tackle that as a behavior problem and you will only have more of it. Address the belief and work on changing it, the behavior changes dramatically.
Therein lays solution to most of the discipline problems - stop struggling against the behavior, start working at the belief.
This doesn’t mean that we ignore the behavior. But understanding the belief behind the behavior makes our efforts more effective.
This doesn’t mean that we ignore the behavior. But understanding the belief behind the behavior makes our efforts more effective.
Also important to note is that beliefs made at home are strongest. If outside world experience indicates to contrary, children they will invariably check it out at home before accepting it.
Some common misbehavior disbeliefs:
1. Behaviour: Seeking attention, often by misbehaving
Belief: I am not important
Belief: I am not important
Do you actively seek and value your child’s opinion enough?
Do you involve him in your activities? Do you seek his help rather then helping him out too much? Do you give her real attention by dropping whatever you are doing and listening?
Do you involve him in your activities? Do you seek his help rather then helping him out too much? Do you give her real attention by dropping whatever you are doing and listening?
2. Behaviour: Power struggles - Tantrums, crying, sulking etc.
Belief: I need to fight to get anything.
Belief: I need to fight to get anything.
Somewhere our parenting has become not how can we live together, but how can we control each other. And every ‘should’ of ours strengthens their belief. Meet power struggles head on, they exacerbate.
Understand and patiently change the belief and battle is won without a fight.
Understand and patiently change the belief and battle is won without a fight.
Instead of imposing our solutions, let’s do collaborative problem solving. Look at power struggles as child actually asking for help, for choices. If they learn that win-win is best, they have learnt the biggest success lesson of life!
3. Behaviour: Revenge, hitting, use of bad language, I hate you.
Belief: Since I am hurt, I need to hurt back to communicate my feelings.
Belief: Since I am hurt, I need to hurt back to communicate my feelings.
We all do it. The moment we are hurt we take revenge. As we mature, some of us understand that we needn’t take revenge; all we need is to communicate our feelings in the appropriate way. Best strategy is to express them immediately.
Use this format:
“I feel _____ and ______ and I wish ___________."
Children need to learn the art of expressing one’s feeling. Teach them by becoming an example – express your own anger and irritations in the above way.Every hurting child is herself hurt. Hence, instead of hurting back or rejecting her feelings, we need to empathetically make the child feel cared for and understood.
“I feel _____ and ______ and I wish ___________."
Children need to learn the art of expressing one’s feeling. Teach them by becoming an example – express your own anger and irritations in the above way.Every hurting child is herself hurt. Hence, instead of hurting back or rejecting her feelings, we need to empathetically make the child feel cared for and understood.
4. Behaviour: I cant do this, excuses, lying, defying instruction in your absence, ‘No’ saying.
Belief: I am inadequate.
Belief: I am inadequate.
More children get inferiority complex compared to superiority complex. Even show of arrogance is usually based on external or materialistic things – bigger car, more toys, money, etc. A research study done by Jack Canfield (co-author of chicken soup series) indicates that a child gets 460 critical or negative messages in a day compared to 70 positive ones. That’s more than SIX times negative. No wonder this belief becomes so strong and leads to all kinds of academic and social issues.
So instead of asking the question “why did you lie or even steal”, ask yourself “What belief my child has about himself?”
To conclude I quote S.I. Hayakawa, "If you see in any given situation only what everybody else can see, you can be said to be so much a representative of your culture that you are a victim of it."
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
For www.geniekids.com
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