Mum is the Word
Want to know one of the best disciplining tools: "SHUT UP".
Have you ever wondered how many useless commands we give every day?
Try listening to yourself. You will be surprised. We behave as if children are some voice-activated devices. We say and they should do. If they don’t, we raise our voice. They still don't and the tone goes caustic. And so on.
Try listening to yourself. You will be surprised. We behave as if children are some voice-activated devices. We say and they should do. If they don’t, we raise our voice. They still don't and the tone goes caustic. And so on.
The first set of words to be given are the ones we don’t mean. "If you don’t dress up fast we will leave you". Will we really? If we won't, why say so - the child learns to tune us out. They become "parent-deaf" and we more exasperated.
Contrary to above, we can say something, which we really mean, only if we understand the complete matter - for which we may need to observe carefully and listen completely. This directs our focus to the larger picture, not minor interruptions. This is good for both. What is important is that we really follow through with the actions and not with more nagging reminders.
To give an example - suppose a child dawdles with food. Suppose we tell him that he would get 20 minutes to eat and after that the plate will be removed (giving schedule beforehand). If child is small then as part of agreement, show when twenty minutes will be over by position of hand in a clock. Now just remain mum for 20 minutes (no reminder every 5 minutes, or at 18th minute that two minutes are left). Remove promptly at 20th minute. Soon the message will be clear to the child.
In most children, dawdling disappears when they are clear about the follow through action and it is undertaken without any, "I told you so". Pregnant silence delivers!
When mere words are being met with defiance - its time to shut up. Isn't that simple - when what we are trying is not working, we should try something else. Try ACTING instead of talking.
Instead of commanding your children over and over again to be quite, simply wait ….soon they will give you the attention. If they are fighting over a toy, remove that quietly (without the lecture). Give it back when they stop. You don’t say a single word and they get the message.
From a child's point of view it is disrespectful to nag, remind, order, yell, lecture, beg and threaten. It is much more respectful if you simply removed the object, quietly switched off the TV, lifted and put in the bath, caught and changed the clothes, etc.
Lastly let's not become armchair commanders. Child is in one room and is getting orders from mummy in the kitchen or from daddy behind the newspaper. Let’s get moving, reach close to them, go their eye level, establish eye contact, and hold their hand and smile. Now unleash your wish. Friendly physical action behind a wish lowers barriers like anything - try it.
Parting thought - will you drive your car using only the horn?
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
For www.geniekids.com
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wonderful article
my son is almost 4 but has speech delays, he doeenst communicate clearly yet. i think i need to 'SHUT UP' cuz he has jsut been tuning out...going far away from my constnat nagging : " cant u see that on the floor ? pick that up!!" as if he could understand anyway ! its frustrating to be a parent of a child who cant communicate and people like me end up getting frustrated at no fault of the child. Sigh, i would like to try out the 20 minute timer though..he just hates eating !! but god knows if he would ever get teh hint !!
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