Alternatives to Punishment – Part1

Situation 1:What would you do if your 7-year-old snatched away the toy from your 1-year-old and left him crying?
Situation 2: What would you do if your 13-year-old has spilt his coke all over your car seat in spite of your warning him to have it outside the car?
Situation 3: What would you do if your 3-year-old threw all her clothes outside her cupboard because you said no to her for wearing a certain dress?

An almost unanimous response we get from parents is Teach him/ her lesson!
I believe that our intentions behind such an action point are perfect. We want the child to know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable and often leads to undesirable results. We want that child should not repeat this kind of behavior. (Any others?)

A punishment can be seen as a parent deliberately depriving child or inflicting pain upon him in order to teach the child a lesson. Consequences on the other hand let the child realize, accept and think future action based on the natural fallout of his action.

Lets look at this three-step process:
1) Express your feelings strongly - without attacking the character.(Behavior is not acceptable)
2) State your expectations. (What is desirable)
3) Let them make amends through some action - offer choices if required.
(Do THIS so THAT is not repeated).

Situation 1
1) I'm furious! The baby was playing happily until the toy was taken away.It annoys me when somebody's peace is disturbed.
2) I expect you to take care of your younger sister. I expect you two to play with each other, not against each other.
3) It would be proper if find some way to end her crying now. It’s important that both of you are laughing and enjoying.

Situation 2
1) Whole seat has become terribly soiled. It makes me so angry to see this mess. It is even more frustrating to me when you know coke has to be had outside.
2) I expect everybody who rides in the car to take care of the car. I also expect us to be careful while having a drink.
3) The seat needs immediate cleaning. In addition, as soon we reach home, the seat cover needs to be shampooed.

Situation 3
1) I am quite upset the way you reacted to my saying ‘no’. It troubles me when people show their anger by actions.
2) I expect that you will tell me if you are angry. Also, I expect you to first understand my point of view before getting angry.
3) You can put all your clothes back nicely. Alternatively you can first talk to me about your anger then maybe I will help you and we can decorate the cupboard nicely.

Please re-read the last situation. What a lovely way to imbibe this critical life skill – of being able to manage our emotions. If you feel three year olds are too young, try it and you will be surprised - they are very perceptive even at this age.

The simple but extremely effective three step process in so versatile, it can suit any type of discipline problem, any age and any number of children (teachers try it!).

One final word of caution from Dr. Selma Frailberg from her book ‘The Magic Years’: “A child needs to feel our disapproval at certain times, but if our reaction is of such strength (eg: punishment) that the child feels worthless and despised for his offense, we have abused our power as parents and have created the possibility that exaggerated guilt feelings and self hatred will play a part in the child’s development.”

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur