Raising Resourceful Children

It was snowing. The little bear came up to his mummy and said, “It’s very cold”. Mother bear fished out and put on his head a cap. “Hurray! I got a cap, now I can go out and play”, said the little bear. But he was soon back, “It’s very cold”. “Very well”, mother bear said and put on a jacket for him. “Hurray! I got a jacket, now I can go out and play”, said the little bear. But he was soon back, “Now what is it, said the mother a little irritatingly. “Its very cold”, the little bear replied. “Very well”, mother bear said and put on a pair snow pants for him.

“Hurray! I got snow pants, now I can go out and play”, said the little bear. But he was soon back, “It’s very cold”, said the little bear. The flustered mother bear retorted, “Do you want a fur coat?” “Yes, that would be nice”, little bear replied. Well, the mother bear removed the cap, the jacket and the snow pants and said, “Here, now you have a fur coat – go out and play. And the little bear played in his own fur coat happily!

This sweet little story from my daughter’s book underlines a very important parenting moral. That is: All that our children ever need to succeed is already inside them. Or as we say in Geniekids, ‘there is a genie inside every child, all we need is to help child discover this magic!’

We assume that children are little dependents, whose every need we have to run and fulfill. This whole process of giving them solutions, advice, wisdom, help at the end leaves exasperated parents and unresourceful children.

The trick is to believe that the resources are there inside the child. Once we operate from that belief we will not run to help, provide solution or advise the child. We will instead guide the child into tapping his or her own resources, thereby developing them into resourceful children.

Here is how to make it further effective

At the first level, JUST KEEP MUM. Be there but keep mum. Let a ‘you-are-capable-smile’ be on your face, but keep mum. This way child gets the message of who is in control and revel in surprising and excelling themselves. The other day a 5yr old child in Geniekids asked me “Uncle how do you open the tap? I just kept smiling and looking at him. He was confused. He tried asking again, but same response. Almost grudgingly he tried opening the tap himself – and succeeded and said to me triumphantly “Uncle I opened it - by myself”. Now he is the self appointed “opener of taps” for all the children in his group! (read more about how keeping mum is a great strategy at http://www.geniekids.com/pa/mumistheword)

At the second level ask “RESOURCE ACCESSING QUESTIONS”. These questions lead the child to explore the resources inside the child. They force the child to think “on his own”. They also directly build “confidence” in the child. Here are the four type of resource accessing questions:

1.       Questions that INVITE the use of a resource. One, the tone and manner of the voice is approachable and inviting. Two, the questions start with open invitation like ‘What are some…’; ‘As you think…’; ‘How might you…’ etc. Examples: “What are some others ways to reach for your book on the shelf yourself?” “As you think of what to speak to him, think of how you will speak to him?” “How might you get ready yourself for school in time?” “What might you do when current goes off and it becomes dark in the room?” Invitations present the whole task as very interesting thereby getting children to start thinking – the first and most important step in resource accessing.

2.       Questions that DIRECTLY POINT at the resource. Questions where we explicitly use the term that defines the resource to access. Examples: “How can you be responsible?” “How can you show the courage to speak to him?” “How can you be more open minded about this?” Detractors will argue that most children may not know the meaning of the term used. While this may be partially true note the following: One, many children have a sense of what we mean; Two, the very use of these words makes their meaning clear to children – so that future questions become more potent; Three, children feel highly valued when such ‘adult’ words are implied on them and often rise to the occasion; Four, we’re building a very high sense of self worth by using these extremely positive words. It works like a lovely positive label.

3.       Questions that remember past use of resources. Chances are, since the child has a particular resource, he would have used it before. Just reminding the child of a previous such ‘successful’ use of that resource makes the child feel resourceful. Use
‘Remember how/ when/ what ….. ?’ Examples:
“Remember how you were responsible when little baby was there with you?
“Remember when you showed so much courage to talk to that aunty?”
“Remember what you did when last Sunday you were feeling afraid?
The obvious assumption here is that you were observing the child showing such resourcefulness earlier and had lovely labeled (appreciated) the child at that time.

4.       Questions that Project child as an adult. Children like to PLAY adult. Especially they like to feel like their parents. Hence saying “If you were ….. how you would have done it?”, makes them start thinking in an enlarged way. Examples:
“If you were your mother how you would have opened this?”
“If you were uncle xxxx how you would have spoken to this shopkeeper?”
Obviously the idea here is not to imitate, but to give invitation for the child to model the resources he or she has seen in the adults.

At the third level, is AFFIRMATION of resources through statements that presuppose or encourage. Check out the examples first:
“Its incredible when you show such responsibility”
“Its wonderful when you try again and again”
“As you plan for tomorrow’s school, what all stationery will you need? or "Its amazing when you plan for tomorrow and how you think of all the stationery required”
Here the end feeling or the resource is simply presupposed and hence is very encouraging for the child to “try” – something which automatically leads to accessing the resources.

As you start believing that your child does have all the resources, as you also try these ways of access resources through questioning you will realize that it really liberates you as parent. It also definitely brings out that amazing strength that is already there in your child. The well is there – you just put a pulley to get the stuff out!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur

For www.geniekids.com

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