Responsive Response

Suppose you as a child lost your cricket match. Disappointed, you reach home
and break the news. We have three versions for you – pause after each and think
how it makes you feel.

Version 1: “There is nothing to be disappointed about that. Winning and losing
is part of life. You need to play better next time. Cheer up; I have some
chocolate cake for you before dinner.”

Version 2: “You must have played quite well. Don’t think about it now. One match
is not the whole life. Even I have lost many matches in my life. Take bath now
and get ready for dinner.

Let’s micro-analyze these seemingly positive responses.

Version 1: Negation of feelings followed by moralizing followed by telling what
I need to do next time and trying to cheer me up with something external and
materialistic.

Version 2: False pride and praise followed by telling to change my state of mind,
followed by moralizing worsened by examples of self and finally forcing me to
shift focus to undesirable task.

Let’s look at another version:

Version 3: “You look disappointed. Tell me more about it. I am sure you can
think of how you can win the next time. Meanwhile, when you are ready for dinner,
I will serve it.

Version 3: Accepting the feelings followed by willingness to share it without
judgment pepped up by having confidence in me to solve own problems and
reducing disappointment by shifting focus to a ‘next time’ and lastly giving respect
by allowing time to settle my own thoughts and emotions.

Somehow we don’t treat our children as adults. And our language automatically
gets loaded up with moralizing, false praise and negating their feelings. Nothing
else hurts our self esteem more than somebody questioning our being – our
emotions, our pride and our intelligence.

If your spouse says “I do not feel like eating tonight”, most probably you will
either show concern, “Are you feeling alright” or you may suggest, “Maybe little”
or you may offer your services “do you want to have something else” or a
combination of above.

Same statement a child says and most probably one will offer a big lecture
or moralize the child, command him or worse case threaten him or a combination
of above. Why so?

Look at two more similar situations:

“Mummy, I think this drawing looks so awful”
“No dear, its looks so nice”
Assumption: I need to praise immediately to restore their confidence.
If they think you are lying, then worse then not giving praise, is giving false praise –
it hurts their self esteem that their parents are trying to cover it up for them.
Alternative: If it actually looks awful, agreeing and then encouraging is
better “You look disappointed by your efforts. I am sure you can do better”.
If some part is nice – point out the specifics.

Another classic example:

 “Papa, I can’t do this”
“No, you can, dear”
Assumption: They will believe what I have to say.
This simply sounds like a false assurance – is false confidence of any use?
Alternative: A specific example from past serves as a better confidence boosting
anchor. “You did it last Monday” or “if you can climb a ladder, you can climb a tree”.
If no past reference, use “Would you like to try another approach”. Even offering
choice by “Do you need my help” elicits “OK, I will try it myself”. Even if the child
takes the help, remember he feels that you are on her side.

Negation of feeling builds an immediate wall. False praise closes all windows;
Moralizing, lectures and instructions are then not heard inside.
Acceptance builds bridges, sensitive praise helps the flow of
river, questions and choices spring the flowers all along.

Your choice!

By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com

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