Is Reward a Punishment?
"An old hunchback was constantly teased and abused by the neighbor-hood children. One day he told them that each will get Rs10 for teasing and abusing him for one hour every day.
Kids were overjoyed and did the worst teasing and abusing possible. The next day the old man informed that now onwards they would be getting Rs 5 per day for their job. Still kids were happy and did their job well. The next day the old man revised the rate to Rs 2 and children were clearly disappointed. Some dropped out.
Finally the next day the old man made it Rs 1/- and all the children stopped teasing and abusing. They felt Rs1/- was too low for their hard work!"
Next time, before you offer your child a reward for a certain 'good' behavior, think about this story.
Is disciplining is about identifying the behaviors that you want (clean room, less TV, being nice or being quiet, etc), to reward the positive behavior and punish the negative ones?
In that case I soon determine which rewards are worth the 'good' behavior and go for it and which are not worth it and accept punishment for them (with resentment though).
In that case I soon determine which rewards are worth the 'good' behavior and go for it and which are not worth it and accept punishment for them (with resentment though).
Moreover, if a reward is connected to certain behavior it implies a hidden punishment. Not getting the reward is in itself a punishment.
Rewards create more problems then solutions - both for the parents and for the child:
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Finish your homework by 5 and you will get to see the cartoon show". Rewards create uncertainty in the mind of the child. "Will I get it or not" This creates anxiety and distress which impairs creativity and problem solving skills. It kills opportunity for learning.
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"If you sit quietly in the car, I'll buy you a chocolate". Bribes only make children put value to their behavior. Next time you want them to do something, the response will be "what do I get?" or simply "what for?" This poses another problem - soon the last reward becomes small and demand is made for bigger rewards. "Give me two" or "Buy me that toy also" etc.
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"If you finish all your food, you will get the ice cream." Rewards make control of child's behavior 'external' (in adult's hand). It feels like manipulation. Moreover, remove the control and out goes the behavior. Litmus test - leave your child on his own and watch how he behaves - he eats food or straight goes for ice cream?
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"I will get a cycle on getting 90 in math. So who cares about learning, let me just see how can I get that." Rewards interfere with the real reason for doing something. Unable to achieve it, the child doesn't rue the lack of marks, but the loss of reward!
Removing rewards means you substitute it with intrinsic motivation. This leads to self-discipline. Million times more effective! Here are few suggestions:
1. Substitute material rewards with praise and encouragement (and keep that genuine). A smile, a hug, a public approval, a lovely label and a specific compliment works wonders.
2. If you want to, give material rewards spontaneously. Do not explicitly connect it to the behavior. Say something harmless, like "I feel like giving this to you". The idea is that rewards should not be predictable.
3. Eschew rewards by working on the real reason for the child to behave in a certain way. Asking them for the reasons, pointing out the consequences, giving them the choice and even control may not sound attractive in short term, but are more fundamental and permanent in their effect.
After all disciplining is not about putting a carrot in front of the pony. Disciplining is about giving the leash itself to the horse. Think about it!
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
For www.geniekids.com
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I like this idea..I'll apply
I like this idea..I'll apply it with Vibhor
Seema (Vibhor's mother)
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