Raising Successful Children - Self Belief
The other day I went to a restaurant and ordered a sizzler. Somehow I
attacked the baked tomato first and realized it was only half cooked. I
called the waiter and showed him the tomato and he very casually pointed out
- "But Sir, the rest of the platter is fine.
At that moment, I was furious.
It was the first gift that my six year old had wrapped herself. I saw there
was this one fold that was sticking out. When I pointed out to her, she
said, "Isn't the rest fine, papa?"
It was then I realized what message the waiter had for me. We focus so much
on the 10% imperfection that we forget to appreciate and get encouraged by
the 90% 'perfection'.
I also realized that as an adult we often berate our self - especially for
these 20% imperfections that we all have. For many of us, our self talk is
rarely self appreciative, rather mostly critical of ourselves. We almost
think that it is not nice to feel good about oneself (that should come from
somebody else). And we carry on with our own abusive self talk.
Digging deeper into the psychology texts I found out that most self
criticizing habits are formed within the first eight years of life -
especially between 2-8 years. Physiologists explain that this is the period
when all our negatives are quickly pointed out by adults. To quote Peggy
Jenkins (from 'The Joyful child'): "Overheard criticisms, put-downs,
misinterpretations of parental anger or scolding can all chip away at the
child's self worth and leave him feeling joyless and worthless."
It becomes better after 10 years because increasingly available and
important PEER evaluation is far more appreciative and less critical. But
the damage is already done and while the child may not get so many external
put downs, the negative self talk is enough. It’s enough to stop the child
from dreaming big enough, aiming high enough and trying enough! Its enough
to weaken our overall self esteem. And the vicious thinking assures that
every failure gets added as proof to our over critical self's repertoire.
Here are five parenting tendencies that are chief in doing so. Check them
out and see which you are doing and which you need to avoid - at all cost:
1. no, No, NO!
If what the child gets during the day is, "Don't touch this, don't eat this,
don't waste your time, don't do like this, no pulling my hair, no playing
with your hair, don't run, no jumping on sofa, don't eat fast, don't eat so
slowly..
When our actions get negated, out thoughts gets negated and we start feeling
that "I am not worthy (and capable) of thinking 'right'". To the extent that
often children will do some actions just to see how soon they are stopped
from doing so. They have learned what gets their parents attention. But the
real damage is far deeper.
Alternate approach: Try saying YES. Rather then saying what you want the
child NOT to do, try saying what you want the child to do. Eg: Instead of
"don't waste your time", say "its nice to focus on your work". Instead of
"No, no pulling hair", say "Yes, rub my cheeks, Ahaaaa" etc.
2. Comparison
"Look at how she is eating properly; your sister has already finished her
homework; your friend is playing and having fun, why can't you? See they are
all going to school smilingly"; and so on.
What you think and feel is less important, what is socially appropriate
should always be done! - While this seems to be least effective kind of
motivation, I guess as parents we run short of ideas and just tend to use it
so frequently that it becomes the bases of all my decision in life.
Right from I too want that kind of cycle to when the adult grows and wants a
car like the neighbor's big car! But the damage is more than materialistic
- it’s when I feel I am incapable or not worthy just because somebody else
seems to be more capable and worthy - then we live a life of low self
esteem. Then we also do not achieve much because we think we're unworthy of
achieving much!
Alternate approach: Understand motivation. Focus on progress of your child
rather then comparative performance. Visit www.geniekids.com/arch.htm for
some articles on motivation.
3. Blame
I remember when I had got that sizzler in the restaurant with half cooked
tomato the first thought that came to my mind was "these guys are horrible".
Now I realize - the guys were not horrible, only the tomato was. Haven't
each one of us done some things wrong - does that make us horrible or less
than what we are? Maybe a child's action is not appropriate, but that
doesn't make the child "inappropriate".
Somehow we have learned to vent out our anger not by expressing our
displeasure over the action, but by blaming the other person. And since it's
the other person's mistake we feel justified in doing so. You are
irritating, you are disorganized, you are lazy, you are impulsive, you are
careless, and you are dishonest. All this doesn't leave much of self worth?
Alternate approach: When angry or upset, instead of shouting or hitting, try
expressing your feelings by saying "I am upset that you told a lie". Then
explicitly state what behavior you disapprove of, "I do not like lies being
told" Follow that by clearly stating your expectations, "I trust you and I
expect you to tell me the truth always"
4. Should
A large part of our critical self talk emerges from this thought process
called SHOULD. "I should look good, I should answer right, I should be
smart, I should not make a fool of myself by asking or trying" and so on.
This happens because as a child our parents are constantly telling us what
SHOULD be done. This comes as a decree, a command. Hence it needs to be
obeyed at all cost.
So we say to the child, "You should finish your homework fast". Now just
assume that the child does not want to do so, or is not able to do so:
either way, the child will keep saying inside himself, "I should, I
should.."
Do a little exercise right now. Close your eyes and say to yourself (in a
tone or manner similar to how you say to yourself or to your children) "I
should, .. I should, .. I should, .. I should, .. I should, ..". Check how
does this makes you feel? Check if it is enlarging or diminishing?
Alternate approach: Replace all your SHOULDs with COULDs. "You could finish
your homework fast. You could say thank you to uncle" etc.
5. Decisions
One of the key sign of low self-esteem is consistent indecisiveness or the
inability to take a balanced decision - result is either inaction or
impulsivity. This often stems from the fact that most of our childhood
decisions are taken by parents and many a times over-ridden by parents.
Do you decide how much your child should eat? If your daughter chooses a
dress for a party - do you over ride her decision - especially with a "I say
so". We seem to have our own operating parameters, while child is ignorant
of them, leaving the child in a lurch, she not really understanding what's
wrong with her decision making.
A typical scene in a restaurant is when the child is asked what will you eat
and when he expresses his decision it is overridden due to some reason.
If too many of the child's decisions are being taken or overridden, the
child is left with this very common self talk "I don't know what do to" or
"I am not sure" leading to "I am not good enough".
Alternate approaches: First - let the child decide - the negative
consequences arising from a wrong decision is only going to become a
learning experience for the child. Secondly, if something is not acceptable
to you - express that before the child makes the decision eg: "Choose your
dress, however, avoid a sleeveless one, as it is cold outside. Advance
information empowers the child to make a sound decision.
One the ways in which we cut negative self talk and build strong positive
self beliefs is through AFFIRMATIVE POSITIVE MESSAGES:
" You are so lovable; You are capable; You are responsible; You enjoy
learning; You are special; You are intelligent; You are an achiever " and
so on.
Look at all the negative messages children get as food between teeth - these
can cause fatal decay (to the dignity of the child) - affirmative messages
constantly floss their minds making their root thoughts (about themselves)
stronger.
Another way to look at the whole concept of development of self belief is to
follow what 'Goethe' said:
Correction does much, but encouragement does more
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
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