Sibling Chivalry

We parents have the uncanny habit of interfering. It’s a hook we cannot resist. Next time two children fight, just look at them as two sweet cubs fighting. Enjoy their fight. We let our children behavior concern us too much. Change the way you see, to change the way you be! In most cases when siblings squabble, it’s the parent who is upset (not the fighters). The less you hassle, the less they wrestle. (Or at least that is the way it would appear to you, keeping you relaxed).

Another perspective – how would you feel if your spouse brought home another lover? Looking from your child’s point of view that is exactly how one sibling might feel about another. While we parents have our roles clearly marked out, children struggle to establish their own identity and status in a family. Since it is a natural process they go through, it would not make sense to do much about this.

What is possibly required is a list of DONT'S:

1. Do not put roles and responsibilities on the children. Typically the elder is supposed to help and take responsibility of the younger one. Why, if I may ask? Did he or she ask for this role? Shouldn’t it be left on the older one how much responsibility he or she wants to take? Shouldn’t it be left on the younger one how much help he or she wants to get? The role assigning often leads to elder either bully the younger or younger manipulate the older or both simultaneously. Instead of roles, give your children choice. You will be surprised which one they finally choose.

2. Do not deny their feelings. Specially, if they say to sibling “I hate you”. Perhaps it will be beneficial to communicate to your children that it is normal to have two contradictory feeling for the same person at the same time. It’s a great life skill to teach your child that it’s all right to hate someone at that moment, whom you actually deeply love. Denial, “you shouldn’t feel that way” only fuels the fire inside.

3. Never ever make your love conditional, because LOVE IS NOT conditional. So it’s blasphemous to say, “I love your brother more because he doesn’t fight” or “I will hug you only if you help your sister”. Make sure each child consistently gets the message that he or she is loved not based on how he or she behaves, acts, achieves etc, but as he IS or she IS (unique).

4. Don’t condescend or patronize. Just because we are elder, it doesn’t make us better judges, especially of behaviors. If your children rival each other to please you, you have to step out of this trap (not your children). Similarly to illustrate to one, patronizing another will only lead to mis-beliefs in their mind. The best way is focus, encourage and develop on each one's potential.