To Yield or Not to Yield
“My daughter want tyo have her food only in the special bowl that her aunt
had brought instead of the plate in which I gave her. I was tempted
to get the plate for her.”
Then I wondered if acceding to simple demands would spoil her?
But then would not respecting her requests and denying her the importance
damage her self-esteem.
had brought instead of the plate in which I gave her. I was tempted
to get the plate for her.”
Then I wondered if acceding to simple demands would spoil her?
But then would not respecting her requests and denying her the importance
damage her self-esteem.
Some parents decide in favor of the child, while some take the sterner stance.
But most try to balance in between, acceding sometimes and denying other times.
But doesn’t this inconsistency leave the child confused, I wondered?
Maybe the child starts appearing DEMANDING because uncertain of the
parent’s response, she just tries her luck every time.
But most try to balance in between, acceding sometimes and denying other times.
But doesn’t this inconsistency leave the child confused, I wondered?
Maybe the child starts appearing DEMANDING because uncertain of the
parent’s response, she just tries her luck every time.
Some parents also accede to demands in the name of love.
Aren’t we teaching children that “love means getting other
people to take care of my demands?”
Aren’t we teaching children that “love means getting other
people to take care of my demands?”
Worse will be the case when agreeing to demands is used as rewards
and denials as punishments – for that is teaching manipulation to the child
(more about rewards & punishment in next issue).
and denials as punishments – for that is teaching manipulation to the child
(more about rewards & punishment in next issue).
Let’s see what we can do to ease this peer pressure vis-à-vis self-esteem:
So while the child is confused, balancing his or her demands leaves us
parents exasperated. Let’s work on some suggestions to manage this.
(We will take two examples, one situation described at the beginning,
another of a teenager demanding to go for a late night party).
The whole approach is to let child fulfilling his own desires himself.
If the child makes the decisions, he is more open to accept the consequences.
If the child makes the decisions, he is more open to accept the consequences.
1) Kick off with questions – Don’t ask “why”, instead ask “what” and “how” questions.
To the small child:
“If you want the special bowl, what do you need to get it?”
“If the bowl is kept at a height, how can you reach there?”
“If you want the special bowl, what do you need to get it?”
“If the bowl is kept at a height, how can you reach there?”
To the elder child:
“If you want to go to a late night party, what are your mother’s concerns?”
“How can you ensure that you come back in time?”
“How will you ensure that your homework does not suffer?”
“If you want to go to a late night party, what are your mother’s concerns?”
“How can you ensure that you come back in time?”
“How will you ensure that your homework does not suffer?”
2) Offer choice – again the key is that they make the decision.
To the small child:
“Can you get the special bowl yourself, or you want to have me to serve the
next meal in that bowl. (if none of the choices are acceptable, keep adding
more choice at a time – be creative).
“Do you want help with the chair, or maybe you eat sitting in a different place?”
“Can you get the special bowl yourself, or you want to have me to serve the
next meal in that bowl. (if none of the choices are acceptable, keep adding
more choice at a time – be creative).
“Do you want help with the chair, or maybe you eat sitting in a different place?”
To the elder child:
“You want to go to one party and stay really late, or go to next one also
but come back within time from both.
“You want to go to one party and stay really late, or go to next one also
but come back within time from both.
3) Inform them of consequences, without threatening them.
To the small child:
“Remember you will also have to keep your special bowl back in the sink. To the elder child:
“If you come too late that worries your mother and I really get concerned.
“Remember you will also have to keep your special bowl back in the sink. To the elder child:
“If you come too late that worries your mother and I really get concerned.
4) Have faith in your child and lovely label them:
To the small child:
“I think you can easily get the bowl. You are so smart.
“I think you can easily get the bowl. You are so smart.
To the elder child:
“I know you are responsible and you will take the right decision.
“I know you are responsible and you will take the right decision.
Finally, be kind and firm, firm towards needs of the situation and kind towards
needs of the child. This ensures consistency in your communication also.
needs of the child. This ensures consistency in your communication also.
Remember a bird learns to fly, only because she is left to fulfill her demands
for food herself. A parent only supports and encourages, doesn't do the flying for her.
for food herself. A parent only supports and encourages, doesn't do the flying for her.
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
For www.geniekids.com
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