Parent Guidance - Q&A

Bed Wetting

Q: Mrs Rama, "Could you give me some tips for handling bed wetting among children. My daughter is three and a half yrs old & she wets her bed in the night."

ANS: Dear Mrs Rama, world over at least till the age of 5-6 years bed wetting in children is perfectly normal and expected. Our first responsibility is to accept this and hence not put any pressure on them. Believe me, no child likes to do it - who will like to sleep in a swampy stinking bed? Its simply beyond their normal control.

If the problem persists after 6-7 years, please consult a doctor. However at any stage - don't make it an issue with the child - embarrassment will only lead to more stress which will lead to lesser control on wetting.

Other strategies commonly suggested are:
* Keep liquids to minimum during the last 2 hours before sleep.
* Ensure trip to toilet just before their going to sleep.
* Add another trip just before YOU go to sleep (they look so cute half sleepy on their potty).
* Mention lovingly and sweetly in child's ears, just before he sleeps, "today you will try to control your pee (or whatever term) and will try to keep the bed dry till morning". If the child is disappointed in the morning - you shouldn't be. Just say, "We will try again tonight".

Never ever make it an issue in the night or when the child gets up. Soon child will grow out of it. Best of luck.

Neat writing at school

Q: Another aspect of the school remarks are "your child does not write neatly", "very untidy work".
Can a child of five years be known to write neatly and do tidy work? What does it means to little mind? Parent's suggestions/ arguments with the school authorities only lead to distaste of things.

ANS: We completely agree with you Nagaraj Babu. Not only we are expecting too much, we are evaluating them by our standards of neatness. Wouldn’t it be better if they set their own standards. In addition, schools should by now realise that research has continuously and conclusively proved that each child, just like each adult, is different: Some are neat and organised (we call them visually oriented), some are not so. Some like to talk, some are quiet. Some like to feel and constantly keep moving, some are still. Each one of us has a different living and learning style. That doesn't make one better then another.

Yes, the war between parents and school will continue and it should. We urge parents to do so. Only you can make a change in our education system. We promise to provide you with any documentary or research back-up you need to support your case. Definitely, call us.

Shy???

Q: Thanks for all the articles - they are very useful. I use them and see it works with my 6 years old son. He is very shy and does not talk to new people. He takes a while to get used to people. Once he knows them/ meets them often, he opens up. Sometimes I feel his confidence level is low. I hear you are having some classes on Saturdays. Can you tell me what they are and where you can fit my son so that he improves?

ANS: Dear Mrs Indu, while we welcome you to Geniekids programs, we take strong objection to this whole shy v/s confidence business.

What kind of confidence are you expecting out of a 6 year old. Also if world were full of extroverts with no introverts, I am sure it would be unlivable.

Why can't we all accept our children and let them blossom the way they want (or the nature wants).

Even at this age I am quite shy and do not talk so easily to new people. Yes, once I get used to them, I too open up. Success does not depend on confidence in talking with other people. Success depends on having confidence in oneself. Lets Build that.

Talkative

Q: Ms Laxmi has this query: “My daughter is 5 yrs old. She is very active. Very talkative. Good at her studies. My problem is in her school, they have ranking systems like GENERAL PROFFESSIENCY which includes, the kids behaviour in the class, her discipline, her performance, overall how the kids are in the class.
Here is my problem... The very second day of the school reopening, I heard from her class teacher saying my daughter is very talkative. And same teacher saying she is very good at her performance. In that case she will never get her ranks. Now how should I make my daughter to understand that she should behave in the class”.

ANS: As common with our approach we are not offering any solution, rather we’re raising few pertinent questions:

FIRST, what is wrong in being talkative? Perhaps talking is our greatest source of learning. So as a first step please accept the talkative behaviour as a strength - and communicate to her frequently and in no uncertain terms that you really love & appreciate her intelligence which is reflected in her talks.

SECOND - do you listen to her enough. When was the last time you left whatever you were doing, and with complete attention heard whatever she had to say, without interrupting her and without passing your own judgements/ opinions/ suggestions. If she is having really rewarding conversation at home that will fulfill this need - at least partially. Also, does she get enough opportunity to converse with children of her age during
out of home time.

THIRD, and this is a really fundamental issue: At this tender age of 5yrs do you think you should be worried about the RANK. Please reflect on this issue raised in Genie Do-Strategy above.

FINALLY - to find solution to the talking problem: Please have an adult to adult type of discussion with her. Tell her why this is a issue (not because of marks) but maybe because her talking disturbs others in class etc. Together, find some alternatives to the problem. Please do not underestimate your child's potential to come out with acceptable solution(s). If she suggests a solution, then she will eagerly implement it. If possible involve the teacher too.

Don't want to go to school

Q: Mrs Dhanniya seeks advice:
I have a 5 years old son who has attended a course at Genie Kids some months back. He is attending school (Nursery class), the child was very enthusiastic about going to school initially and had no problems adjusting there. In fact, he used to find it funny when he saw the other kids bawling at class.
However, of late, he doesn't want to go to school, He says he finds it very boring, does not have any friends. He creates a ruckus every morning when asked to get ready to go to school. He says he would prefer staying at home with the computer than going to school. The irony is that he is very good at studies, his teachers are all praise for his work, they refer to him as a very well behaved boy who does his work and never troubles them. However, they have also remarked that he is not an extrovert of a kid and would not volunteer to make friends of his own accord or recite a story or a poem unless he is called upon to do so.
At home he has a whole lot of friends and is the happiest kid around, has a lot of fun and plays for a long time with his friends once he comes back from school. He has not made any great friends at school though (has completed four months at school now)
Please let me know some effective ways of overcoming this problem. We have warned with all sorts of dire consequences if he does not behave and start going to school, but these are of no avail. He has to be pulled to school amidst a lot of kicking and screaming, we have talked to his teachers , they are not able to perceive any problem with his behaviour after we leave him in class. Every morning, we lose our temper on him and scream at him, sometime, even resorting to beating him up for his stubbornness.

ANS: Not wanting to go to school is not the problem, its merely a symptom of some other problem. So punishments, dire consequences (which anyway are ineffective) would yield no results. They will only frustrate you. And more importantly you will transmit your anxiety to the child, making his resolve not to go to school even firmer. It is important to find out the child's worries or reason(s), not by questioning but by carefully listening and observing the child. What we offer here are some of the typical problems small children face in adjusting in a school (with some suggestions):
Child may not be finding the school work challenging or exciting enough. However, just because child says that school is boring doesn't mean it is so. It may just be a convenient excuse to cover the real cause. Alternatively the school might be expecting too much and putting too much pressure on the child. **Suggestion: observe the child at school one day, or at least find what activities they are doing, do the same at home, glorify them - show that they are important. However, ensure that school is not putting undue pressure on the child - like forcing to write etc.
Child may not have any friends at schools and hence feel left out. On top of that other children may bully the child (pushing, teasing) which may look harmless, but may turn some children off. **Suggestion: One good idea is call one or two of his/her school mates to your home (evenings or weekends) or visit their home. Children make friends faster at their own home. And people who are friends at home make great friends at school.
Child may be allowed to do his "wish" at home. Since at school there are certain codes and rules, the child revolts against that system, as he used to a lenient environment at home. **Suggestion: Create a structure at home which is both suitable yet firm to the child. Let child not get away with whatever he or she wishes. Let the child learn how to live within a frame work of codes and related consequences.
Finally, with some children it is 'separation anxiety' (doesn't seem so in your case). If that is the case empower child by teaching him to visualise and feel you near her when at school. You may anchor this resource through a photo or a bracelet or a tiny toy. One parent used to blow some kisses into the child's pocket, telling her that she can take them out whenever she longs for her mother.

Motivated Learner

Q: Mrs Susheela writes: I always wait for your newsletter, it brings down my pressure of parenting.Your NL-59 has evoked mixed feelings in me.
1. Though what you say is right, but in practical teaching maths, science & socials in a different way is not always possible. I feel if the child get used to be taught in different ways, will she like (drab) class room teaching?
2. I always feel my daughter's (10 yr) confidence is low. This i say becoz she depends on her friends more to know about homework etc. How do we motivate her to excel? Once she knows her lessons she is reluctant to study from the point of exam? At the same i do not want to keep telling her study for exam. How do i make her feel good about herself?

ANS: We think the answer to your first question lies in your question only - Since learning through "drab" cannot be important (just because that is what I get at school) isn't it more important to offer child more interesting methods. Also the more learning experiences the child gets - some drab, some interesting, the more the child learns.

To teach your child in different ways we do not need "A LOT OF TIME" - we need OPEN MIND to learn more. When we adopt different ways of teaching - we learn more than the child. If you are learning everyday - your child is learning - you do not need to put in any extra efforts. The moment you sit to "TEACH" your child - it becomes your task and your responsibility - and that can be equally drab! The moment you "LEARN" and share with your child - it becomes more interesting and no more 'your teaching', but shared responsibility.

According to us it is more important to first define what is excellence - is it to learn something well and efficiently or is it to score high marks in school? Obviously your daughter agrees to the former, while you are 'expecting' the later. No wonder with different destinations, the road taken is also different!

Perhaps it would be wise first to accept the child's tendency to achieve natural learning rather then achieving artificial marks. Clearly the child is not externally driven but internally focussed. As at a second stage, you can discuss with her the importance of marks in a competitive exams based world and how she will cope with that. Are you ready to accept a reply like, "Don't worry mom, I will score well in board exam. But let me not waste my time over marks in younger classes". Also are you ready shun evaluating learning only through marks?
SELF Esteem and confidence are matter of successful day to day experiences. Child does not gain or does not loose them in a day or two. Depending on friends might be indicative to you of low self esteem or confidence, but to her it may be the perfectly normal thing to do - a convenience. Remember you can't make her feel good about herself. You can only

ensure that she is exposed to positive experiences, and then give her positive strokes.
As children reach double digit age they seem to go more distant from parents. Communication breaks down while expectations are poles apart. Treat them as your friends - follow the simple triangle of acceptance, faith and equality.
Additionally please go through Newsletter nos 5, 14, 15, 16, 17, 22, 42 and 51. - Ed Team}

Hello, Thank You & Sorry

Q: When somebody says 'Hello' to my children, they do not say Hello in return. I ask then to say so, but they just don't budge. Same with 'Thank you' and 'Sorry'. While I have explained them a number of times, why we should do this - they do not seem to feel any need for such basic social manners. I feel embarrassed and frustrated. Any suggestions.

ANS: There are various ways to inculcate social habits in children. But pushing, coercion, commanding or scolding seem to be the least effective. These seem to get the desired result in the short run, but then compliance is against their own wish.
Children learn these manners from us. Obviously, we need to be models for them to learn. That done, we need to explain to them (as one would to any adult) the reasoning behind. Next we can gently remind them of the manners when the situation arises.

If they do not respond then normally we show disappointment using 'YOU and SHOULD' language - "You should say thank you. Its not nice to stay quiet when somebody says Hello". Instead lets try using the 'I and COULD' language. "I would like if you could say Hello". What a big difference - from 'you being wrong and hence you should change' to "I want something and I am requesting the same'

Follow this up with lovely labeling whenever the children actually says thank you etc. Finally, instead of nagging them repeatedly lets be little more accepting by waiting for them to start doing so on their own. It doesn't matter what others think - but it does matter what your children think.

Beginning Writing

Q: Mrs Kavitha seeks guidance on this important development milestone:

My child has just joined school (he is three). School advises that he should not be made to write. But my child likes to scribble and always grabs mine or father's pen. In fact he draws less and wants to write. I feel like showing him how to make the alphabet. When I asked around - I got conflicting opinions. What do you recommend?

ANS: Children learn naturally to speak - out of necessity and exposure. Similarly they learn that reading is important and natural for they see signs, newspapers and books all around them. However, the first time they write is when they are told to write alphabets in school. Unfortunately these letters are meaningless to them and hence they find it difficult to relate to writing. Soon they develop a disliking towards it, since they are forced to do it.

Hence, it would be best if the child is encouraged to write. But caution, the idea is not to make the child form the alphabet correctly, but to scribble meaningful messages. Remember, how when children between one to two years speak meaningful thoughts in gurgles and incoherent speech - and soon or later they sort it out themselves. It is the same with writing. Initially it may be all scribbles, but if the child is trying to communicate - then that means that the child is developing a love for writing. What a wonderful aspect to encourage. By all means do that by asking him to write (in his illegible own letter formations) messages to others, little notes of appreciation, thank you notes and yes his or her name on all his work/ things. We at Geniekids, give a badge to each child and insist that the child only writes the name on it - even if it is not clear to others - the effort is more important than the result, the process is more important than the knowledge! Isn't that true learning.

Screaming

Q: Mrs Vrinda posts the following problem:

I have a 2 year old son who is quite a well behaved child. The only problem is that he screams a lot. Whether it is for having food or for every small thing he screams at the top of his voice. This embarrasses us in front of others. His behaviour seems quite unusual because I've not seen any kid doing this. Even if kids of his age group would like to make friends with him, he screams at them thereby scaring them away. As parents we never hit or reprimand him for his misbehaviour. We simply tell him in a stern manner, not to do so. We have also tried ignoring it. It just did not help. What do I do?

ANS: When I read the first part of the mail, my first reaction was 'ignore it', 'keep mum'. You say you have tried 'ignoring it'. Mostly when we try to 'ignore' some behaviour - we only ACT "Ignorance." We do not genuinely ignore it. Our eyes, face, complete body language, even tone of voice communicates our tensions (or embarrassment). Hence it doesn't work.

Can you actually genuinely laugh at his screaming. Can you genuinely view it as something CUTE. Please note we are not trying to mock at his screaming. We are just not getting tense or choosing not to react to his behaviour. In most cases this defeats the very purpose of the behaviour (specially if it is related to parents -power struggle, attention seeking etc.)

If the behaviour is a result of some other belief or thought, then that needs to be identified and addressed. Screaming or any such exaggerated behaviour is always a symptom. Common inadequacies felt by children are 'opinion not asked' or 'needs not considered' or 'too much control' by parents. We often assume that we know what is best for them. Try to let them decide that.

So ignore the behaviour and take many guesses (aloud to him) as to what the root cause might be? With smaller children this may help - as they can decide what IS NOT troubling them, to help you to find out what IS troubling them.

Shy & Moody

Q: Mrs Deepika send the following common parental worry:

I am very happy with all the issues you discuss about; this has helped to improve my relationship with my son who is 2 years 8 months old. My son is very shy and moody by nature. He does not mingle or talk to strangers; otherwise he is very talkative at home. We faced problems when we took him for an interview for admissions, even though he knew what ever they asked he did not answer any of their questions. My in-laws and my husband always complain that my son does not communicate with relatives and friends. I was also very shy and moody as a child can this be the cause for this? How can I make him come out of shyness and communicate with in a better way

ANS: A child who has merely spent 36 months in the world has the expectations of a whole society on his little shoulders. I have a big request to all parents who have "shy" children - accept them as they are. Is the child embarrassed by his shyness or are WE (adults) embarrassed by it?

The fact that you had a equally shy and moody childhood is not the cause of his being so; but can be definitely a cause for you to rejoice his own unique personality.

Somehow, we live in a society which vouches for 'personality development' - as if there is some ideal personality that we should all achieve. Imagine if through some personality development program we made all the flowers in our garden roses.

Request to go through newsletter issue No 15: "Expecting and Accepting"

Q: I also request you to discuss the issues related to kids who attend school for the first time i.e. how to increase there reading ability, talking ability, creativity and food...

ANS: The only guidance to parents, whose child is going to the school for the first time, is: Make this tumultuous transition (for him) as enjoyable, as loving and as much full of positive strokes as possible. Give this and leave the ability part on him.

Q: Mr Anwar seeks help on the "food" front I have a daughter who is about 2 & 1/2 years old. She is very energetic and intelligent. But her food habits drive my wife up the wall. She just refuses to eat any food readily. It takes her about 1 hour to eat one chapatti which a lot of fuss. Due to this she is underweight for her age.

ANS: Somewhere your child is giving a strong signal. Lets accept that we are responsible for all this anxiety related to food. It is not she but WE who make all the fuss about food. She just happens to be different – with different taste, different timings to eat, different quantity compared to what we want her to eat. Remember no human being in this world can go hungry. All we need to do is provide choice of food, choice of when they want to eat it, where they want to eat it, how much they want to eat it, etc. Then just leave upto them.

Do you set her plate or do you just make a number of things and leave it on the table for her to take from – whatever, how much ever she wants. So, first lets take the responsibility of our anxiety. Then make her responsible for her eating. Let her body dictate the terms.. See also "Newsletter Issue 9 - You Should…I SAY SO"

Tantrums

Q: Mrs Ram writes in with this very common issue My son is 2 years old and has started throwing tantrums for anything he wants. For e.g when he exceeds a certain limit of eating chocolates, and if I say No to more, he starts throwing tantrums on the road. Though I trying explaining why he should not eat more chocolates its of no use. This happens to anything he wants. People say its common for this age. But can I stop this practice someway.

ANS: Be gentle yet firm. And above all be consistent. Most of us show irritability or embarrassment by scolding the child. And finally giving in to the tantrums. No reason it is so common. Instead, can we very gently and sweetly tell the child ‘No’. And then no matter what tantrum the child throws carry on with our firmness, with the smile. Soon the child will get the message. However, if once we let go, other time we shout back, the child knows that if he persists, he will eventually win! Lovely label his persistence ? but do not give in to the tantrum

Boisterous

Q: My son aged 8 ½ years cannot sit or stand quietly even for a second. His movement is causing lot of problem and confusion at home, at school or anywhere we go. He is unbearable during Family gatherings and does not listen to any one at that time. Whereas at home he will listen. When we talk to him he is very understanding only at that moment, he will apologise and talk big but after a day or two he is back to square one.

According to my Uncle who is a Doctor, he is having no problem and will be alright in about an year or two. He is having a very good memory .He tells all spellings correctly but while writing he will either miss a letter or two or he will mix up the letters. He gets above 90 if I sit and make him study or comes down to as low as 65 if I am not with him while studying. My husband was quite naughty in his childhood but is very reserved now. I am a reserved person from my childhood. I want to know if he should get professional help.”

ANS: What I see is a sharp, energetic boisterous child. What I also see is a concerned mother. But for a moment I want you to relook, with concern, at yourself, before you analyze your child. Is it that you have been giving him less attention compared to younger sibling in the past year? Could he be seeking attention by adopting this behaviour? Are you constantly instructing him, ordering him, leading to power struggles? When you go for an outing do you expect the negative behaviour? Maybe its just a mental game – the more you expect him to be naughty, the more he lives up to that. It could be just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can obviously seek help of a counselor. Before doing that can you switch your expectations to positive ones? Can you constantly look for positive behaviour and lovely label him. Can you instead of worrying about his listening, listen to his needs, wishes, and perspectives. Maybe he needs more physical action at this age rather them more marks in the class.

Remember the Rives flows fastest after its birth, but that is what makes it so fertile when it reaches the plains.

Habits

Q: Mrs Purva Telang seeks solution: I am a mother of a 3&1/2 year old son. My son is used to put anything in his mouth inspite of told him not to do so. I tried all the way but he don't listen and runs away if he find that I saw him. Which is resulting to his throat infection again and again. Can u give me any solution to this? How to tackle him in this particular situation? Also he is becoming very stubborn day by day.

ANS: Habits have the funny way of happening when we most resist them. The more we say NO to a child, the more the child does it. It soon becomes a power struggle that the child loves to play and get the anticipated response. To simply change his habit, try changing your response to that habit. (Please refer "irritating mannerisms" in Mail-Bag section of issue 25 - the suggestions therein may be enough).

Your son is old enough to respond to written contracts (see issue 1) or to problem solving approach to such an issue (see issue 30)

Not only stubbornness is a "lousy label", it is also a symptom of power struggle. We covered power struggles in issue 23 - "Misbehaviour Misbeliefs". Please go through that also.

If your child argues/ defies frequently - he may have somebody nearby who gives him practice in this. Is it you? Then practice letting your child have the last word. Practice inviting cooperation instead of practicing power.

Play Home Tears

Q Mrs lakshmi writes about her 22months old daughter: I would like to share my problem with u. Since I am working, I thought of leaving her in play home. When she was 9 months old, I tried to leave her in play home. But she didn’t adjust at all. Few months later I tried again. She didn’t. Then I stopped. I asked my mother-in-law to come and to stay with us. But now my mother-in-law has to go to her native due to some reasons. So I am trying her in a play home, which is very good. But she is not willing to go there. But after she goes, she stays. Problem is when I take that side, her face will be pale, frightened look will be there. She doesn't mix with kids. She plays alone. She enjoys seeing other kids playing. But she doesn't mingle with them. She doesn't play these rainbow climbing etc. What should I do for this? How to make her understand? In the play home she prefers to be with the teacher than with the kids. Can u throw some light on this?

Dear Mummy,

"I love you so much. You are everything to me, you mean so much to me that I want to be with you all the time. I know that this may not be possible, but that is my wish. Is it alright at my tender age to be such a fan of yours, to be possessive.

The word "play school" means you not there for me. This disturbs me a lot. Its not that the school is not good, but I hate the idea of you going away. On top of that the look in your eyes, a mix of guilt and sadness makes it even more difficult. Leave me cheerfully, comfort me, smile at me. This will make it easier for me too.

Mummy I am just about 22 months old. Please do not put any EXPECTATIONS on me. I do not like to play with others, I do not like to mix with kids. I like playing alone. However, I do enjoy seeing other kids playing and I think I learn a lot from them. But I don't like to mingle with them. I don't like to play these rainbow climbing etc. In the play home I prefer to be with the teacher for she sometime reminds me of you. I hope all this is OK with you.

Mummy please let me enjoy my time the way I want. I will soon grow out of these, for I am growing at an amazing pace. I will change. But I want you not to impose any change on me. And I do not want you to worry about all this. I want you to enjoy your time at work, just as I do at play home.

If you have any problems - please share with me. This will teach me to share my problems with you. I may not understand the words, but your tone, your expression communicate zillion times more. And I understand. Because I love you."

Your ever loving daughter.

Q: Mrs Uma seeks advice on following issue:

I have a son who is aged 8 years. Both my husband and
me leave to work by 7.30 AM. My Son, Ashank leaves home to school by 8.30. My Father in law whose health is not so good is unable to take care of him. But evenings my husband is back when my son is back.

But every Monday mornings inspite of educating him on Monday blues and consequences of bunking classes he somehow does not go to school on Monday since a month.
We have informed the school teachers and we have punished him and have all the best possible solutions except that one of us stay with him on Monday till he goes to school. As we are also in responsible positions, we cannot be with him till 8.30 AM on Mondays. Kindly help us. Do we have to take him to psychiatrist?

ANS: What is apparent is that your child is undergoing some kind of stress which manifests on Monday mornings. Sometimes both parent working can itself become a stress point for the child? Which gets built up just after the child has spent Sunday with the parents and is faced with the week of loneliness ahead.

Basically Ashank needs a lot of love and support and the more pressure that gets placed on him the less he'll want to go to school. WANT is what needs to be changed.

To know what could be causing the stress - here are some guidelines (ensure that both are in 'good mood' when you do this questioning. Avoid any judgements whatsoever).

* To check if stress is because of school: Ask what all he likes in school, which friends, which teacher, which subject, etc etc. Keep asking "What about it?" "What else?" (You do not need to ask him what he doesn't like - because after some time he will automatically tell you all the dislikes too. (and this will still keep him in positive frame of mind)

.

* Do same to check if stress is because of home and its members.

* Do same to check if stress is because of some friends in neighbourhood etc.

Alternatively you can seek help of counselors (instead of psychiatrists). (Bangalore has many excellent counseling organisations like Helping-Hand, Parivartan, Viswas etc).

You may also ask questions like...
"What is he committed to in life?" "Where does he see himself going - i.e. being and doing in life?"

If he can be inspired to dream about what he can achieve in his
life then he may be motivated to go to school so that he can get into what he wants.

Asking "what's missing?" rather that "what's wrong?" may get him to think of a positive action or step into him enjoying his life. What is required is a lot of love and kindness, exploring various ideas together, and creative ways of getting him to motivate himself (see issue 42).

Doesn't Study

Q A concerned mother of 2.5 yr old queries:

My son is used to drinking milk in the night 2-3 times from the day he was born. Even to this day he wants milk in the night. As i have mentioned that i am a working lady i loose my sleep, if he wakes me up 2-3 times in the night for milk. I am trying to stop this habit of his but if i don't give him milk he will start crying so we keep milk in the flask every night. Other than this i have no problems at all. He is not fussy in eating or drinking. He is also healthy. If by any means i could stop this habit of his it would help me and also my son, usually children eat there dinner, drink milk before sleeping and get up only in the morning.

I don't know why he gets up in the night just to drink milk.

Kindly suggest me as to how i can avoid this habit of my son”.

ANS: First lets accept that he is not responsible for the habit. So please do not blame or lousy label him for that – even in the night or the next day morning.

One approach could be to tell him in advance that he will not get milk in the night and that he should stuff himself up before sleep. Make this agreement in writing and put it on the wall next to his bed – with both of you signing it (see Newsletter No 1- Writing Wish). Obviously first few days he will cry – maybe for half an hour – but patiently you should let him cry. Soon he will get the message.

In psychology there is a principle called the stop-start: when we want to stop some habit we need to replace it or start another. You can either offer him some snacks like biscuits etc instead of milk. But best is you start playing with him or read to him a story or any activity he likes (even TV is OK). Slowly cut down these alternatives and let him through your care and attention go back to sleep.

Alternatively you can try problem solving approach with him – which can work wonders (refer newsletter issue no 30 - Problem Solving). Even then expect one or two disturbed nights which you will have to live though patiently.

Whichever way, take the whole transition cheerfully – this will accelerate the process. –

Doesn't Study

Q: I have a 5 year old son. he likes to share his toys and eatables to all his friends, relatives. He has been taught, brought up like that. Whereas, on our opposite house, lives a girl of same age, who refuses to share any of her things with my son, whereas my son, voluntarily gives her every other toy, eatable from our house to her. As Both are great friends, when they both are playing together in their house, when the other child refuses to give her toys, my son gets terribly upset. Also when my son goes to her house to play, she commands and is very bossy over him and asks him not to touch any of her things etc and also eats infront of him without sharing. She literally commands my son, which we do not like. How to handle this situation?

ANS: In our life we meet all kinds of people, and that is life’s lifelong learning. Let your child experience it and learn from it. What you need to give him is support. Listen to his worries and concerns; explain to him how everybody is not same and how we need to accept others as they are. Perhaps emotional intelligence is more important in finding success and happiness in our life. Let him only make the decision of either reducing his going to her house, or reducing giving his toys ONLY to her or best his talking to her what he likes and what is does not about her.

You can also have a word with your neighbour’s daughter explaining nicely how your son feels (however we feel if your son does this himself it would be most effective). Finally you can speak to the neighbour’s mother and see if she can talk to her daughter.

Lets not try and “handle the situation”, but empower our children to think, analyse, come up with solutions, try them and then manage the consequences, whatever they are! Isn’t that what parenting is all about?

Doesn't Study

Q My son actually has a good memory, but i feel he doesn't
really use all his grasping & memory when it comes to studies. As I've generally noticed, he doesn't pay full attention, when he is taught, is there any tip which helps me to make him develop more interest towards his studies. he's in 3rd std now, and little poor in maths.

Q: My nephew is 13 yrs old now. Problem is with his studies. When he has to study or write something, he gives all kinds of
excuses. But he is good at computers. He has scored a 100 out of 100 and has been given a computer for himself in his school. How do we make him study & write & learn other subjects too? He is even good in other general information too. Only in his studies, his marks are very bad. We don't restrict him much. He is sent out to play in the evening, allowed to watch TV after his homework, allowed to play on the computer also.

ANS: I think that this kind of concern will be with about 90% of the parents. And obviously there are no tips, which can quickly solve your problem. Look at this way - if any restaurant dishes out uninteresting food will you go there again? But Maybe your child has to go through that kind of food everyday in some subject in his school. How interesting are textbooks, teaching in schools or other study material?

Let me quote from Leslie Heart's "Human brain, Human learning":

"Our schools and education system… are not ineffective because they do not know what happens at synapses or the chemistry of neurotransmitters. But rather because they have yet to address the brain as an organ for learning, and to fit instruction and environment to the shape of the brain.

We know that as a consequence of long evolution, the brain has modes of operation that are natural, effortless, effective in utilizing the tremendous power of this amazing instrument. Coerced to operate in other ways, it functions as a rule reluctantly, slowly and with abundant error."

If you really want tips - here they are:

Do not push them to study if it doesn't interest them. Cut out the "study", "study", "study" constant cajoling. Leave the responsibility of studying to them.

Make their learning exciting, experiential and fun. This may require work from your side if school's stuff in uninteresting. Look up for resources in book stores and internet.

Use the only motivation known to have worked - that is self motivation.

English Issues

Q: Mr Narayan has this query:

My daughter is 9 years old and is studying in 3rd std.

Generally she has got good general knowledge and able to understand everything in and around. However, she is very poor in English and is unable to communicate properly and speaks broken English. As a result, she is unable to do word maths since she is unable to understand whether it is addition, deduction or multiplication. Though she understands story when read, she is not able to repeat it properly. How to overcome this problem?

ANS Thank you Mr Narayan: Are you sure that difficulty in math problem is due to language or due to basic concepts in math not being clear. In my experience many children with excellent command over language face difficulty with math word problems, because their understanding of the concepts is not clear. They know how to add or multiply. However they know about it only as a procedure, not as a concept.

Regarding improvement of language per se – the best way is to do general conversation (at home) in English. So no matter how comfortable both parents are with your mother tongue – force yourself to converse with her in English. Similarly read a story daily together; watch English TV program together etc.

Caution: please do not see these as an opportunity to TEACH her English. Just enjoy these activities yourself. Once she sees you enjoying, she will herself start enjoying the language and then pick it on her own. Resist the temptation to correct her mistakes (this usually puts children off). Just use it correctly yourself. Be an example; Be an enlightened Diya, not a fire cracker

Handling Child

Q: A father (name withheld o n request) has the following concern:

I really appreciate the effort U and your team have put to create these articles. Its really a worth reading for every parent. Infact in our generation as mostly the families are nucleus and both husband & wife working its very difficult to give proper attention to the child. I've 5 yrs old daughter, she always expect that we both (myself & wife) be always with her, its really very difficult to explain her that we have office and we have to go. I leave my house at 8am come back only after 9.30pm. In this situation How as a Father I can take care of my daughter and bring her up as a creative child.

She is very loving and she understands but some times she does not listen at all. At such time I have no option but to shout and see that she carries out her morning brush and milk etc. Infact every time I read your articles, I try to control myself and every time I make the resolution that I will not shout but it lasts only for some hours). Could U please let me know how to handle such a child?

ANS: Do you think you should try and handle your child? Lets suggest something for you to ponder - why not you handle yourself, and let your child handle herself. What we mean is that transfer the responsibility of your child's behaviour and errands etc on to the child. Once the child understands her responsibility, patiently let her learn to handle it herself. The key here is patience - neither you can loose your temper, nor you can rush in to help her.

What you need to do is spend quality time with her. Most children do not want a very large time of their parents. But whatever time you are with them, ensure undivided attention; play with them as partners and share their enjoyment.

Finally as we talked in our last newsletter (issue 35) - ensure that you are not a firecracker in your child's life, but a Diya

Lenient or Strict

Q Mrs Rama has a pointer:

Would you be covering the stances taken by parents in disciplining children wherein one parent is strict & another one is lenient & the child getting confusing signals? What & how should the approach be?

ANS Thank you Rama for this lovely timed pointer in response to our issue on “sibling chivalry” (issue 34). Let me first put a question to all our readers who have two or more children. If mother and father cannot manage differences between themselves, how can they expect the children to manage differences between themselves?

Second, parents do need to sort out their approach before you approach your children? In other words we need to discipline ourselves before we discipline our children.

Third according to us there are no two approaches strict or lenient. Control can be strict or lenient, managing the child can be strict or lenient but Disciplining cannot be strict or lenient.

Finally are you sure the child is confused? Or has the child already learned to manipulate the differences in approach. In which case the child is more comfortable then confused! Something that you need to keep in mind when you sit with your spouse to discuss this issue.

Have you commonly seen a mother, exasperated because of child’s behaviour, asking the father to DEAL with the child STRONGLY? This is clearly not strict or lenient disciplining, it is when the sweet control did not work, try the bitter control. When permissive approach did not work, try suppressive approach. You decide if at all you would like to choose any of these approaches. We would avoid both!

Q: Mrs Vatsala seeks advice:

I'm a working mother with two sons. Elder one is 12 years old and studying in 6th standard and the younger one is 9 years and studying in 4th standard. I hardly have one and half hours time in the evening to be with them on working days and two days on the week ends. In spite of my pleasing words or harsh, they do not study. However, elder one is good at studies and grasping things faster but his writing makes him loose marks. He is also ignorant towards my advice. How do I solve this problem?

I'm also worried about the second son. His interest towards studies is great, but expects me to sit next to him and make him study. I observe he reads and write well in front of me. But, at school it is lacking. The reason he says is he has insufficient time at his classes to update his class works. This was brought to his teacher's notice also. But her remarks was that he is improving in studies. Since, I could not devote much time to him during the recently held mid term exams, he has not performed well in two subjects.

ANS: While this may not amount to a specific advice, here are some of our thoughts:

Since you have less time on a daily basis it definitely puts lot of pressure on you. Hence, you need to look at making your children independent. But, before you say that your children are too dependent on you, you have to think who has made them dependent? Do you actually like their being dependent on you?

Is it a way for you to answering your guilty conscience (of having less time for them)? You have to first from the deepest part of your heart want them to be independent – so much so – that when you come home your children say, “We have done our work, we do not need you (for studies)”

What if you were to say that the daily one and half hour will be for you playing with them. They have to study before that. You will definitely face resistance in the short term, but in long term their being independent is best for them.

Hopefully you are not putting too many expectations on them (a major reason for disliking studies). But also think whether they have put expectation on themselves. Since you are working, you will know how much time companies spend on goal setting etc. Have your children set THEIR OWN GOALS regarding their studies? While we will talk about this in detail in a future articles, see if you can get them set their own goals (beware of mixing your own with theirs).

Then put up a plan to achieve that – assure then of all resources - books, kits, models and your time. Build excitement around these goals. Lovely label when they move even an inch towards these goals. Instead of an atmosphere of pushing, create one of excitement and enthusiasm – pulling.

We have to avoid being managers at home, we need to become leaders.

Sibling Concerns

Q: A concerned parent (name withheld on request) writes in:

Thanks for all your articles. I am using what I've learnt on my children. I have been listening to myself more nowadays and have been patient enough to listen to my children before I react. That has been helping me and I am sure them. My elder daughter (7 years) has always been difficult and most of the problems arise between her and her younger sister (5 years) who seem to be more popular with outsiders. I've tried to let them know that all of them are equal in their parent's eyes but she still keeps on bothering her little sister. On the other hand she is a very good sister towards her younger brother (21 months old). This affects her little sister to some extent. Do you have any advice?

ANS We hope the discussion in the current and other forthcoming articles will help you. Obviously the last thing is comparison. Do not even do it in your mind - for then chances of verbalising them are high.

Also understand that while children are strong observers, they are poor interpreters. So when they see their parents taking sides of one child, they might interpret as their being inferior in their parent's eyes. This is even stronger when the age difference between children in less than three years. Take them through the 'candle of love' story.

Perhaps the best approach is to take out time on a daily basis (even 15 min are enough) when you are alone with each child. Discuss her day; give her chance to share her saddest and happiest moments of the day. If she wants, she can talk about her brothers and sisters; just listen to her point of view and encourage them to think of solutions. (Repeat this with each child)

Writing troubles

Q Mrs Shaila shares the following:

I am extremely thankful to both of you for sending me all the E-mails so religiously. I also read it very carefully & try to follow the advice.
I am the mother of 11 year old Kid. Orally he is excellent, G.K
good, but very poor in writing down his class work as well Home work. As he is not a fast writer he tries to evade & at times lies to hide his incompetence. His problem was discussed with a psychologist who referred him to a physiotherapist. He has been advised to do certain exercises, which he is doing nowadays. He has been diagnosed with poor motor movement due to which he is not able to write fast.

ANS Dear Mrs Shaila - we have primarily included your letter to laud the effort you took to show the problems to professionals and get a solution. That is much better then simply pushing the child or feeling dejected with your child's performance.

Many parents seem to hesitate to take their child to a specialist. However, we know that just like a medical disease if any learning shortcoming is discovered early in life, it can be set right quite effectively and promptly.

Q A concerned parent (name withheld on request) writes in:

I have a son who is aged 3.4 years. He had not attended any school until he was about three years old. Now I have put him in a popular montessori school. This school has day care facilities, which my son is also availing. Now he is able to recognize alphabets and numbers upto 10 but he is not able to write the same. But we are planning to put him in a proper school (not Montessori) wherein he has to be able to write
as well as read alphabets as well as numbers upto 20.

My child as per his teacher's remark has a poor grasp of pencil/chalk piece. Pls. tell me if my child is slow or am I asking for too much after sending him for school for only 6 months. Is he an average child? And also pls. tell me how to improve his writing skills cause he does not seem to take me seriously at all (he is supposed to attend a test in February) and I lose patience because being a working mother I am at my tether's end at the end of the day.

ANS: First and foremost - please, please, please do not lousy label your child - there is no such thing as an "average child". Come on - he is just 3.4 years old and you are already expecting results out of him.

Secondly, Montessori school is also a PROPER SCHOOL - lets not label a school also. I do not know why you are so eager to shift the child to another school? Personally if he enjoying himself - I will not do so. The so-called "proper schools" do lots of improper things with children, the first one being an admission test! So, beware!

Thirdly motor skills are developed when a young child is just given THICK crayons and THICK chalks to have fun. If you make them draw something correctly or write letters correctly then this will work against their development. They may start hating writing also.

The idea is to let them enjoy just using crayons & chalks etc. Once they love the instrument, when the time comes they will love to write properly with it.

Lastly manage your feelings better - just because you are working, is it a good enough reason to loose patience with him? Isn't the reverse more true? The best way to do this is to simply lower or preferably stop expecting too many things from him. I would recommend: forget February, enjoy October!

Consequences & Wailing Blues

Q: Mrs Pratibha Ramanujam has posed the following question:

I do agree that on the minor issues, we should let children learn from their mistakes and bear the consequences, but what about the major ones which involves morals or ethics? There are some things children should never have to go through to learn about life. A few examples that come to the mind are lying about things, marks in school tests, cheating in exams etc. How do we deal with issues like that?

ANS: I do agree with you, one doesnt need to go through something to understand the consequences of it. The consequences, which are grave in certain situations, can be communicated to the child.

Let me take a different example – say, smoking. While you can communicate to the child that smoking is absolute no-no and that the consequences can be dire, can you really stop him? He sees his dad smoking, or he might see uncle smoking, he definitely sees all heroes in movies and TV smoking and yes advertisements sure lure him through all physiological tactics.

Definitely we don’t need to let the child go through the smoking to realise that it is not good for his health.

Now my question is, what will you do if you catch him smoking? Will you punish him? Will that help? Has that helped any of the male readers of this newsletter who are smokers and who were punished when they were young?

Supposed you found that your child has cheated in a test. Will you punish him? Will that stop her behaviour?

When we punish a child, normally it’s the person who feels punished, not the act. Which leads to resentment or rebellion or shame. It really doesn’t change the behaviour.

So the first and the most important step is to rethink the effectiveness of punishment and then in this changed context look at other ways to solve the problem.

Also, punishment is a response to the behaviour. While the problem might lie in child's beliefs or values or self-concept. So whats the point of cutting the leaves when the problem lies in the roots?

Q: Mrs Veronica Escobar has the following query:

My baby is 17 months, and he started a screaming pattern every time he feels I say no or when I say no to something. He can scream for 10 minutes or more with no problem. Can you write something about how to manage this and is this normal for children at this age? Any tips.

ANS: Crying is a natural, healthy process, for relieving stress, provided it is not used for manipulation by the child.

First re-look at yourself. Are you excessively controlling or overly protective. Do you say too many No? Are all the no necessary, can you skip few?

To give you an example, a lot many parents prohibit the child from touching the controls of a TV or music system. Some however, with lot of patience, teach their 15 month old how to operate it. The moment we give them the power, where is the power struggle?

Second, re-look at your child. Imagine you are holding a Lilly flower. Can you change it into a rose, no matter how much you wish? Its amazing, but when you stop wanting them to change, they change.

Once you stop wanting him to stop crying, once you give him a warm hug, once you say to him, "you seem to be hurt or upset", once you talk to him in advance and work out other ways for him to show his defiance, once you stop putting lousy labels and stop comparing him with others, its just a matter of time before he shows what a lovely Lilly he is.

Once you accept their behaviour, they accept their behaviour. Then they solve their own problems, then they change.

Parenting is not about tools and techniques, but as the famous psychologist Carl Rogers had put it, it is about empathy and unconditional positive regard!

Is it necessary to Punish

Q: Mr Arun Kumar has this opinion:

First, a word of praise to your efforts in educating, informing and sharing information on how to bring up our next generation. I look forward to your continued involvement in this encouraging effort.

Coming to the issue of Punishment, I would like to tell you how I do it.. It may be right to some parents, and maybe not to others.. It is working for me..

We have only one 6 yr young son.

There are some simple rules of "acceptable behaviour" for my son to liberally enjoy, including occasional damages in the course of "learning". When he crosses the limits of these "acceptable behaviour", I follow this method:

First, I tell him what is wrong with the behaviour and why it is not acceptable, and the consequences of such behaviour on its own, without taking into account our reaction to such misbehaviour. My son is very intelligent and most of the time he understands. However, sometimes these limits are crossed. When my moods are good, I explain how and why these things happened, and advise him not to repeat. Most of the time, he obeys, not because he fears punishment, but because he understands his responsibility.

However, being human myself, sometimes I lose my cool and I punish him. One big problem is I cannot see him crying. Within minutes, I call him to me and I ask him why he thinks I punished him. He answers pretty well informing me the cause of punishment. He understands and I get a promise that he will not repeat. Since this promise comes from him on his own, without me "forcing it on him" he rarely breaks it. It is etched in his memory. I then hug him and tell him why I had to beat him and always end it by saying how much he means to me and how much I love him, and I kiss him.

ANS Sorry, Mr Arun, due to space constraints, we have edited and truncated your letter. Here is our rather strong response:

I completely agree with the first part of your method. However, I strongly feel against physical punishment. Your mood and your temper are your problems. You are the one responsible for their consequences, not your son. If you had a great day at office, came home in great mood and saw that you child has spilled milk all over, you will possibly take it lightly. However, if you had a really bad day, are completely stressed, will you hit your child. If the offense is same, why is your behaviour different in both cases? Is you child responsible in any way for this difference?

Inflicting pain cannot be a consequence of any event. Will it be ok with you if instead of monetary fine for jumping a red signal, the traffic policeman slapped you in your face?

Recall how you felt when you were hit by anybody in your childhood. Your child may still feel loved, may know what you are doing is for his good, but will he still feel respected??? Aren’t you destroying his dignity?

Moreover he can see your justification of beating him, as a justification for his inflicting pain on others, if he feels what they are doing is wrong. Aren’t you perpetuating a potentially harmful belief in his mind?

Behaviour is a low level, transient issue. We are here talking of higher level and long term issues like dignity, self- respect, values and beliefs. Tools for living life happily. Think about it with this perspective.

Genie Mail-Bag – Irritating Mannerisms

Q Mrs S.kalamalini writes: "We receive your news letters regularly and benefited by the same. My son (7 year old) is very well behaved, quiet, sincere in doing his work. But, midway through his work he gets distracted & starts making mistakes, be it math's, English or Hindi.

Of late, he has developed new mannerism (blowing air through mouth on his hand) We are trying to correct it .His teacher also complains of the same. What best can we do to improve his concentration? How can we convince the child to stop this mannerism? Please advice us in this regard,

ANS Thank you for the query. The aspect of concentration is a worry for so many parents that we will soon carry a full article on that theme. So kindly, wait for that. Meanwhile, here is our reply to your second query regarding mannerisms:

The problem with all these annoying habits is that we tend to nag, remind, suggest or reprimand the child for it. It simply becomes a power struggle; child only does more of that. The more that child is reminded, the more it becomes an established habit. Remember children do not start a habit to irritate adults. However, they might persist with it, just to play the power game. So,

Step 1: Accept the habit (think of it as cute).

Step 2: Joke about it in a positive way with your child "So you like blowing on your hand. How does it feel - cool or hot? Lets do it together." (Now imitate him and say) "Oh, I don’t feel nice doing it, but I see that you enjoy."

(this itself might be enough to solve simple mannerisms)

Step 3: Use inquisitive questions: "What makes you feel like doing this?" "How do you feel while you are blowing?" What in your opinion others (around you) feel when you do this?" If you do not want to do this at any time, how will you stop yourself?"

(Remember to restrain yourself from telling him answers to any of these questions. His own reasons will be the greatest motivators for him)

Step 4: Questioning might reveal a stress point, which might be making him to do this (studies, writing, peers etc). Find that and solve that first. Leave the mannerism alone - it will go away by itself.

The Inquisitive child

Q Mrs Mala Murthy writes: “My son who is 2.3 yrs is very very inquisitive to learn everything whether it be driving a car, bike, mason work, carpentry, Ironing, repairing mixie-grinder, operating TV, VCR etc. the list is endless. We love to teach him but at time it becomes dangerous he tries to explore on his own (he is restless, from the time he gets up in the morning till night). Guide us how we can divert his inquisitiveness to more creative and relaxed games.

ANS Great, that you look at this as a virtue. Yes an energetic and enthusiastic child can at times be draining to the parent. At times dangerous. Handle the safety issue by discussing with him why certain things at his age are dangerous. It’s a concept children develop quickly provided its put positively to them, not as a command. Satisfy him that when he grows up to be X age he will be allowed to touch Y gadget. Use the “mum” strategy to either remove him or the object – without verbal objections.

To whet his appetite:

1. Does he get enough physical play – running, climbing, jumping, playing with sand, hitting or kicking a ball etc. See if a public park near your home can serve this purpose. Add lot of music, movement and dance into his daily dose of activities.
   
2. Does he get enough challenge out of his toys? Toy stores carry a whole lot of inexpensive toys that offer lot of DOING. Dough, blocks, car tracks immediately come to mind. Challenge him to make things, which he may not be trying. A great way is to yourself make something that looks complicated and let him follow it. Do this without expectations or instructions – play alongside him not for him.
   
3. Lastly, read to him – anything. Curiosity can be satisfied if faculty of imagination is triggered. What better then reading. It’s less tiring and trying for parents too.

Q: One parent had written that she is not too much in favour of children getting involved in money.

Another parent asked if it is alright to let children earn money at home by doing things and then letting them spend it.

ANS: We feel that the following lessons need to be learned by children early in life (and no school teaches them)

Money is important in life, but not the most important.

One needs to put in hard work to earn it; it doesn’t grow on trees.

There is a pleasure in spending the money that you have earned yourself.

One doesn’t get paid for everything one does in life.

Children get enough flavour of spending money. They need to get enough experience of earning it also. Otherwise its not balanced.

A beautiful way to do is to give children opportunities to do things from which they can earn. For example suppose a cleaner cleans your car. Let your children clean it on Sundays and get that share. Instead of buying envelopes, children recycle them out of used envelopes.

The idea is to deliberately build special activities that give opportunities for children to earn (and learn).

Three very important aspects are to be kept in mind:

What they earn is not a reward. So do not use it as a reward, or a bribe. Definitely do not offer money as reward for studies, getting marks or any other situation where you want to reward them. Similarly do not use money as a disciplining tool.

Earning opportunities are not the daily chores. The child should understand that cleaning own room, studying on time, making breakfast by self, helping mom with house work etc is part of life and one doesn’t earn out of these activities.

Leave it up to the child how he or she wants to spend it. Initially children may follow the expected toys/ books route. Soon they will surprise (how my sister’s 12 year old son wanted to take the whole family out for dinner out of the money he had earned).

Finally pitch in or involve them – working together and earning together can be great fun. Spending that together even more so. Enjoy!

Q Mrs Srilata has the following query:

“My 8ys old daughter is very forgetful. She forgets things at school as well at friends place and thereby I need to constantly replace then, which is proving costly, apart for it being a bad habit.”

ANS I hope you are not labeling your child, for we are all little forgetful. Moreover, labeling will only increase the stress on the child leading to more forgetfulness. Accepting that she might be forgetful because she is concentrating on other things and that she has other priorities builds self-esteem.

Few suggestions:

* When she reports the loss, neither reprimand nor rescue the child. Simply show empathy, “That must be annoying”.

* Instead of buying another one too soon, let her experience the consequences.

* Ask 'what' & 'how' questions to help her find some solutions for future. Take this as an opportunity to teach her simple methods of keeping schedules, lists or reminder notes. Ask her what strategy she used when she did remember to bring back things. She needs to use the same more often.