Dependence to Independence
We feel responsible when we feel respected. We become independent when our independence is respected.
Often as parents we feel that children need love from us. We forget that equally
important is respecting. If your answer is, '” already do that” - then check out the
list below. What are your common reactions and do you specifically divest your
control to empower the child. While it sounds simple, it doesn't necessarily happen
in our daily life. It takes courage to accept that true parenting is to make the child independent of us, to let it blossom as nature has deemed it to be.
Child is having a tough time putting on shoes. Do you say "Here let me help you"?
1. Respect their Struggles, Strivings and Pains
No pain, no gain. Too soon we jump in with help, advice and solutions. As if our role
is to provide. The sooner we realize that our goal is to not to provide but to guide,
the sooner they become more responsible. The struggle helps child to gather
courage to see a job through himself.
Can we acknowledge their efforts and say, "I see you are trying really hard, you will
soon be able to do it yourself" (if required offer a tip, but lets not do it for them)
Child is back from a class. Do you shoot a barrage of questions, "So how was it?
Did you like it? How was the teacher?"
2. Respect their Time and Space
In all our anxiousness we forget that even our children need time to settle in. We
consider it our right that all our questions should be answered immediately. In the
process we not only intrude their individuality but we also force them to look for
external validation. And if they do not reply, we start blaming the whole generation!
Can we first show our acceptance by saying (and hugging), "Its good to see you back
(and then letting the child find a suitable time to discuss the class)
Child says "When I grow up I will climb
protect them by saying "Let’s be practical dear."
3. Respect their Dreams and Aspirations
Dreams and desires are the first steps towards independent goals. Responsibility
comes from ownership. One chuckle is enough to kill it. Sometimes by trying to
protect them from disappointment we are actually putting barriers for them to be
responsible for their own aspirations.
Can we simply encourage, "That's interesting, tell me about it".
Child says "I need some help on history project" or "Mummy, can you find
a guitar teacher" Do you immediately start fulfilling their needs.
4. Respect their Resourcefulness
Resourcefulness is the foundation of being independent and responsible. It comes
from a sense of accomplishment. As parents it is best to resist the temptation to
step in where they should be on their own.
Can we nudge them by, "Would you like to try your library", or "It would be nice if
you can call some shops to find the price range.
Do you often share things which your child told you with your friends and neighbors?
5. Respect their Trust
Children share many things with parents, feeling that these will not be shared with
others. And we go ahead and discuss the same with others - often in the presence
of the child. What could be worse than giving a complete lesson in mistrust to the child.
And the first person the child starts mistrusting is himself or herself!
Do you often remove their hair from in front of the eyes, tuck their shirts and straighten their shoulders.
6. Respect their Body
It’s their body, let them live the way they feel desirable. If you want, you can talk about importance of neatly dressing or postures etc. But constantly physically invading their privacy can not only be irritable but gives a sense of less self worth.
Do you constantly correct your child over small things? "That’s not the way it’s done"; "Eat the vegetables first".
6. Respect their Decisions
One is a request, two are instructions, three are nagging. Check out your average. If we can't respect their approach, their decision, how can we expect them to develop independent thinking?
Can we just keep quiet and watch them discover their style!
When your child is asked something in your presence as "Do you like math"
Do you answer FOR your child?
7. Respect their Ability to Respond (and Frankness)
We pitch in either because we want to cover up and may be embarrassed by
their answers, or because we think the child may not be able to handle the question.
Many a times we pitch in because of sheer habit. While we want our children to
confident and outgoing, are we robbing them of the best chances?
While the earth does get sunshine from revolving around the sun, its true worth comes from the gravity within its core.
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
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